


I’m “fine”

by Orangepenguin24



Series: Different not broken [1]
Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Brain Injury, Character Death, Child Death, Gen, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 37,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23454421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orangepenguin24/pseuds/Orangepenguin24
Summary: After already loosing so many people his father Andy , Hallie and now Gabby  matt tries to focus on his job. Kelly no longer needs him now he has Stella and as a captain he feels disconnected from his crew. No one needs him now so what’s the point in telling anyone about the horrible pain in his head that won’t go away and the reoccurring dizzy spells .I’m bad at tagging I’ll add more tags as I go along
Series: Different not broken [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828000
Comments: 58
Kudos: 60





	1. I know

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll be honest I’ve never written fanfiction before but I’m bored and thought nows the best time to give it ago. There’s a lot of mistakes sorry. I know it’s not that great so any criticism welcome to help me improve.
> 
> It’s set some where in season 7 benny didn’t die, Herman’s is still on truck and I didn’t really follow canon.

It was a slow shift and Casey had a mountain of paperwork that needed doing, but he didn’t mind as it gave him a good excuse to hide in his office. Gabby had been gone nearly a year now but he had finally accepted that there was nothing he could do to bring her back . If Matt was being honest he knew that despite how much he loved her she was better off without him. She was stubborn and willing to do anything to achieve her goal and she always turned to Matt for help and advice because she knew matt would stick by her. But then she stopped involving him her schemes and kept everything to herself. She’d stopped trusting him long before she left . They’d been through a lot together but matt thought they’d always get through it . Matt kept looking back trying to figure out if there was something he could’ve done or said to make her stay . But matt knew he wasn’t enough to keep her from leaving after all every one always leaves him eventually . Suddenly matt was jolted out of his thoughts by the sound of the bell.

Truck 81 and squad had been called to a house fire with a family stuck inside. Matt jumped out of the truck and started yelling orders. Severide took Capp up with him to the second floor to search for the victims and matt was right begin them with Kidd. Severide and Capp found the mum and dad and carried them out of the building. Suddenly Matt heard someone screaming for help, the screams were high pitched and full of fear ,he quickly rushed towards the sound. Matt found himself in a small room with vibrant posters covering the wall and small model planets dangling from the ceiling. “fire department call out “ he yelled in desperation. The cries for help had ceased and he could feel his heart beating in his throat. Matt heard Boden warning them to get out quickly but all Matt cared about was finding the child. Kidd started frantically yelling that they needed to leave so Casey told her to leave without him. Matt continued to desperately search around the room when he noticed a tiny little hand poking out from under the small blue bed it belonged to a small boy.He leant down and quickly scooped the small child into his arms. Casey ran through the hallway. Matt almost reached the bottom of the stair case when the last step caved in sending Casey and the boy flying. Matts head collided hard with the floor.

Casey felt a sharp pain shoot through his body his mind was cloudy and all he could hear was a loud ringing. As he came to his senses he saw the small boy and rapidly pulled him into his arms and sprinted out of the building. As soon as matt felt the fresh air hit him he felt Brett and foster taking the boy out of his arms and placing him on a stretcher. Suddenly severide was next to him steering him towards the side walk to help him sit down. “Casey are you ok?” Kelly asked eagerly. “ I'm fine severide “ matt replied in annoyance. He was glad him and severide weren’t fighting and that severide had allowed him to move in but he didn’t need Kelly to worry about him. Casey had no visible injuries and managed to persuade Kelly he was fine. Casey hopped back in the truck with his crew and returned to the station After all no one needed to know about the loud buzzing in his ears and the sharp pain in his head.

As Casey started to walk towards his office the floor started to sway back and forth some how Casey managed to stumble into his office as his legs turned to jelly throwing him onto the hard floor. Matt felt as if his limbs were made of concrete and all his movements felt ten times slower than normal . He managed to pull himself onto his bed just as severide came walking in. “ case are you sure ok?” severides brow was furrowed and his eyes full of concern. “I’m fine. What do you need ?” Casey’s voice was quiet and weak he felt his eye lids drooping and all the colour in his face had drained away. “It doesn’t matter Casey“ severide sighed as he he got up and left casey’s office .He knew trying to get Casey to admit when he was hurt was like trying to get blood out of a stone. He decided to just keep a close watch on Casey instead.

Severide has been concerned about Casey for a long time he was more reserved than normal and had been isolating himself from the rest of the house. Severide couldn’t remember the last time Casey came too moly's or joined him and the others for breakfast. Kelly originally presumed he was struggling with Gabby leaving but it had been a long time now and Casey had been getting worse. He always seemed tied and tense his bright eyes were dull and his smile seemed strained. He hoped Casey would open up soon before it was too late.

The rest of shift passed without any big incidents and they only had a few minor calls. However the pain rattling around in Casey’s head had not subsided. Casey said his goodbyes to everyone . Severide was still worried about Casey but he insisted he was fine. They parted ways as severide left for breakfast with Kidd he’d invited Casey too but he denied claiming he didn’t want to intrude. As Casey finally reached the flat he grabbed some aspirin from the bathroom then headed straight for his room where he kicked off his boots, hastily closed the curtains and crawled Into his warm bed.

No matter how long he led in his dark quiet room the pain in his head wouldn’t budge . Just as Casey felt sleep finally absorbing him a loud knocking noise cut through the quietness of the apartment. It was someone knocking at the door. Casey hoped Kelly would answer it quickly before they knocked again but then he remembered Kelly was still out with Stella . Matt awkwardly scrambled out of his blanket cocoon. He felt a shiver run through his body as his feet hit the freezing cold floor . “I’m on my way “ he yelled as he shuffled towards the door. He opened the door hoping it was someone who was looking for Kelly so he’d be able to crawl back into his warm bed soon. Suddenly he found himself face to face with someone he hadn’t seen for ages. “Mum” Casey rasped out. “Hi Matthew” she softly replied she wore a kind smile and looked the happiest matt had ever seen her .He stepped forward and gave her a warm hug it was at thar point he realised how much he’d missed her. Admittedly when she left they weren’t on very good terms but he still loved her after all she was his mum. She was the one who always tucked him into bed at night . And after long arguments with his father she’d come into his room knowing he was wide wake and kissed his forehead and whispered “I love you “ as Matt closed his eyes tight trying to pretend he was asleep and hadn’t heard the vile words his dad had yelled about him as he argued with his mum.

He led her into the living room and they sat on the comfy sofa. Matt wanted to ask her why she was there but he couldn’t help but stare in disbelief at her. “ I wanted to see how you were. I missed you Matthew” as her words hit his ear he felt tears stinging his eyes and a smile creeping across her face. After that they spoke for what felt like hours. He begrudgingly told her about gabby leaving but happily informed her of his new captain title while she told him about her new life. She was still living with friend but got a job at the local library matt remembered how much she loved reading and how they’d walk to the library every Saturday when he was little to find a new book . She’d also met a nice man named Winston who worked in the local bakery.

After there long conversation they arranged to meet up the following day for coffee and as she left she kissed him on the cheek and said “i love you Matt, you’ll always be my my brave little boy”. Even after she left he still had a throbbing pain in his head but he ignored it as he felt a warm glow in his chest. His mum had her life back after everything that had happened she’d found peace and he couldn’t be happier for her.

It was now the afternoon and after a day with Stella matt knew severide would be back soon. Despite wanting to avoid severide and his look of concern he was too tired to move. He’d leant back into the sofa just as Kelly came barging through the door. Severide looked flustered his eyes were full of fear and he’d frozen in place as soon as he saw Casey. His body seemed to sag in relief and he slowly moved towards Casey like he was a wounded animal. “ hey case “ he said in a low soft tone. Severide sat himself down next to Casey “ why didn’t you tell me buddy?” He asked his voice dripping with concern. Casey stares back he had no clue what severide was talking about so he just stared at him in confusion. “ I know Casey, Christie called me “ when Matt didn’t say anything severide continued. “ she told me you hadn’t been responding to your calls since she told you about your mum ”Casey continued to stare at severide he hadn’t spoken to Christie for a few weeks and they’d just spoken about violet and how’d excited she was after joining the school baseball team . “ severide what are you talking about “ Casey finally bit out. “I know Casey, I know your mum died”


	2. Future Astronaut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey’s life is spinning out of control. He desperately needs to open up before it’s too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, Sorry there’s still quite a few errors, so any criticism welcome. Thanks for reading 
> 
> TW for vomit

The agonising buzzing in Casey’s head grew louder and louder ; he felt like someone was inside his head hitting his skull with a hammer as hard as they could. Matt tried desperately to get up off the sofa ,all he wanted to do was to run straight out of the apartment and never stop but the pain in his head kept him pinned in his seat .

Kelly watched Matt cautiously he hadn’t moved or even blinked since Kelly had spoken. Kelly felt like he was being suffocated by the silence that had fallen over them. Kelly slowly moved towards Matt and reached out to touch his arm . Suddenly Matt jerked away and abruptly erupted into hollow laughter . Kelly looked at Matt in fear , he stared into Matts eyes but there was nothing there, no light , no warmth it was like Matt was somewhere else. Before Severide realised what was happening the empty laughter had ceased and Matt shot off the sofa and darted towards the door. Kelly scrambled to his feet and followed Matt out of the building he tried hopelessly to catch up with Matt .  
“ Casey stop please” but it was too late Matt had already disappeared.

Casey ran as fast as he could trying desperately to ignore the feeling of his lungs burning , the pain in his head rattling around and his bare feet hitting the cold rough pavement . Why would Kelly say something so cruel? Matt didn’t understand he thought him and Kelly were friends, so why would he lie to him like that ,was there whole friendship just a charade to allow him to get close to matt to hurt him because of everything, his new rank, disagreements on calls and what happened to Andy. The only thing Matt knew for sure was that Kelly was wrong .Because his mum was alive she was happy and he’d see her tomorrow just like they arranged . His mum was still alive.

Matt found himself stood outside his old apartment door he couldn’t remember making the decision to run there but in all honesty he had nowhere else to go. The apartment was still in ruins and smothered in a thick blanket of ash . He was thankful that he hadn’t bumped into someone as he had no idea how he would explain his appearance. He was there bare foot , red faced and covered in sweat. As he walked deeper into the apartment he felt the tortuous buzzing stab through his head and the walls moving in , suffocating him . As the walls continued to creep in Matt felt defeated. He’d lost everything and everyone but there was no one to blame but him,Matts entire body felt heavy and even thinking hurt too much . His knees gave in and he found himself led pathetically on the floor. He was too tired to get back up , instead he hugged his knees to his chest . He felt hot tears roll down his face. He was all alone and deep down Casey knew he’d be alone for the rest of his life. But then he remembered that his mum had come back and that she still loved him . Matt knew he’d see her tomorrow and everything would be ok.

Matt led their for the rest of the day long after the tears had stopped and the pain in his head had dulled . He pulled himself to his feet and slowly started making his way back to the apartment.

Kelly was nervously pacing back and forth he had no idea where Casey would be . He’d never seen Matt like that before . He wanted nothing more than Matt to walk back through the door. It was almost midnight and Kelly was just about to call Boden or Hermann when the apartment door flung open. It was Casey he was covered in ash ,his hair plastered against his forehead with sweat and his face was as red as a tomato. If it was under different circumstances Kelly would have laughed but instead he just felt a knot in his stomach, he had no idea how he was going to help Casey . Before Severide even opened his mouth Casey marched into his room and slammed the door.

Casey pulled on his shoes , grabbed a jacket from his wardrobe ,then stated haphazardly throwing clothes into a duffel bag he had retrieved from under his bed. It didn’t take long as he only had the items Cindy brought for him after all his other stuff had been engulfed in flames. Everything he owned fit in a small bag at least he didn’t have much more to loose he though bitterly.He slung the bag over his shoulder ,opened his door and childishly pressed his hands firmly over his ears and proceeded to march towards the door. Kelly gaped at Matt but shook himself to his senses and grabbed Matts arm .  
“ Get off me “ growled Casey .   
But Kelly didn’t let go he wouldn’t let Matt leave , he wouldn’t let Matt go through hell on his own. They were brothers in every way except blood .However Casey was tired and hurt and he wanted to be as far away from Kelly as possible. His mum was finally happy and Casey finally had closure but then Kelly had to start throwing around vile lies. Matt turned towards Kelly and shoved him . Kelly let go of Matt but managed to catch his balance before he landed on the floor but it was too late Matt was gone. 

Matt spent the rest of the night and most of the morning driving around in his truck aimlessly. Eventually he found himself parked outside the local coffee shop. Matt couldn’t wait to see his Mum again . But a vicious thought kept gnawing at him ,what if kelly was telling the truth? Then out of the corner of his eye he saw her . A big smile spread across her face as she spotted his truck. He felt his body sag in relief he knew she’d come ,it was silly of him to even think for a second that Kelly was right.

After buying coffee they walked around a local park , it was like that time she’d been having a really good day and she’d take him and Christie to the park after school . They’d run around for hours and afterwards they’d bought ice cream and laughed the whole way home . As Matt got older happy care free days like that became nonexistent ,so he clung tightly onto his memory of that day.  
Nancy happily chatted to her son as the wandered around the park but Matt barely said a word.He was perfectly content to listen to her tales about her new life . Walking with her he felt more relaxed than he had in a very long time . There was still one person in the world who loved him . All to soon there time ran out and Nancy said she had to leave to meet up with a friend.  
“Will I see you again before you return home “ he asked eagerly.  
She smiled sadly as she replied in a soft low voice ,  
“I don’t think so , I’m going back home tomorrow I just wanted to check on you and visit some old friends, I love you but it’s time I continue with my life now “. She gave him a big hug that ended too soon for Casey’s liking.  
“ Bye I love you “ he choked out , he watched sadly as she walked away. He wasn’t ready for her to leave he needed her, he needed to feel loved and wanted again.

Casey spent the night in a hotel trying to get some sleep as he had a shift the next day but the horrible buzzing in his head has returned , he spent most of the night dry heaving into the grim hotel toilet. After all he’d been running purely on coffee the last few days and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d ate.

Eventually morning arrived and he found himself back at 51. He turned up bright and early in the hopes of being able to get changed quickly then hide in his office away from Severide. However his hopes were dashed ,as he stepped out of the changing room Boden called him into his office . As soon as he stepped through the door he found himself face to face with Severide who wore an expression of deep concern. Boden started to speak in a low comforting tone.  
“ Casey we’re worried about you if you need -” but before he had chance to finish words started tumbling out of Casey’s mouth.  
“ I’m fine chief , everything is fine .I can do my job ,I don’t need Severide questioning my every move chief . Please let me just do my job “ . Severide sighed in defeat he realised there was nothing him or chief could say or do to stop Casey from freezing them out .  
” Fine but I’ll always do what’s best for the house so if I need to take you off duty temporarily I will “ said Boden in a low tone that meant there was no room for negotiations .  
Matt was still glaring at Boden as he finished softly “ Casey you know mine and Severide’s doors are always open if you need to talk”. Casey nodded curtly and promptly exited the office . Severide went to follow but Boden stopped him.   
“ look after him severide”   
“I will”

For this rest of the morning Casey stayed in his office hoping his headache would shift.  
The longer Casey stayed in his office the more concerned Casey’s crew got . Herrmann was tired of watching Casey run himself into the ground ,he really Matt liked he’d been fond of him since he was a wide eyed eager candidate. Hermann knew he needed to do something.As soon as Herrmann saw severide return from a call he saw his opportunity to find out what was going on. If anyone knew what was going on with Casey it would be Kelly.So he walked towards the younger man who was heading to his office .   
“ Severide what’s going on with Casey , we’re all really worried about him” Herrmann asked desperately. Severide let out a big sigh , he trusted and admired Herrmann and most importantly so did Casey. Once they reached the office Kelly locked the door , he gestured to Herman to sit on the bed and sat opposite him on his chair.   
“ Casey’s mother passed away” Severide whispered softly .  
“Damn” Herrmann swore as he scrubbed a hand across his face.   
“He won’t talk to anyone , after I confronted him about it he packed his bags and took off “ Herrmann placed a comforting hand on Severide’s shoulder,  
“We’ll look out for him and when he’s ready to talk we’ll be there for him “ he paused for a moment before adding.  
“Look after him Severide but don’t forget we’re here for you too if you need us”  
Herrman smiled softly at Kelly then slowly left the office.

Casey’s head felt like it was splitting in two he tried to leave his desk and stumble to his bed but the walls started to sway and the bed felt miles away. Suddenly Matt found the floor spinning , he tried desperately to reach the bed but landed in a heap on the floor instead. 

Casey didn’t know how long he’d been led on the floor but finally he managed to get himself into a sitting position when Severide came waltzing through the door. Kelly stopped in his tracks as he watched a disoriented Casey trying to clamber to his feet , Kelly reached out his hand which Casey reluctantly took and allowed Severide to pull him to his feet.  
“Casey please talk to me” he pleaded.   
“ I’m fine Severide” snapped Casey.  
“ Well you could of fooled me” snarked Severide. Before he had chance to continue the the sound of the alarm cut through the house.

Truck 81 and squad arrived at the scene in record time , it was going to be a tough call there’d been an explosion in a small apartment building which was now an unstable hostile death trap . Casey started firing out orders and the crew rapidly got to work. Matt was making his way across the second floor with Otis searching for victims when Matt spotted a little boy no older than seven. Matt scooped the boy into his arms and held him tightly as he whispered reassurances in his ear.  
Severide’s voice crackled over the radio,  
“First floor clear”   
“No more victims on this floor captain “ informed Otis who was heading down the stairs in front of Matt carrying a young girl. Casey was half way down the stairs when he heard an unnerving creaking. The stair case caved beneath his feet and Casey plummeted down with it.  
Otis ran out the building and settled the girl onto a stretcher.  
“ where’s Casey ?” Severide yelled.   
“He was right behind me” Otis replied voice full of panic as he looked frantically at the building. Severide looked nervously at Boden, but before Severide could rush into the building, their ears were assaulted by the terrifying sound of the building collapsing into a mess of glass ,bricks and furniture. They all stared in horror at the wreckage.  
“ Find Casey” bellowed Boden. They all started frantically searching the rubble with their hearts in their throats. 

Kelly could still remember ever single detail of the explosion that snatched Shay away from him and the fire that claimed Andy, Kelly refused to bury another fried he continued digging through the rubble as fast as he could. He felt tears stinging his eyes but he knew he had to keep going , They had to find Casey he couldn’t loose him too.

Slowly Casey came to his senses he felt like his head was on fire and like he’d been hit by a truck, his entire body ached. Then he felt a warm weight on his chest , the boy. Casey gently shook him and felt a huge wave of relief as two crystal blue eyes peered up at him.  
“Hi buddy” comforted Casey . He surveyed their surroundings they were surrounded by rubble, they only just had enough room to breathe and any wrong move could cause them to be buried deeper .There was no way they were getting out on their own. So Casey did the only thing he could and decided to focus on consoling the small figure in his arms.  
“My names Matt, what’s your name buddy?” Inquired Casey.   
“ Noah” whimpered the little boy.  
That’s when Casey noticed Noah’s jumper which had the nasa logo plastered across the front.   
“I like your jumper do you love outer space” asked Casey as calmly as he could.  
“Yes, I’m going to be an astronaut when I’m older,I’ll be the first person to walk on Mars” eagerly stated Noah. Casey listened to Noah eagerly talk about the mars rover , vast galaxies and all the planets he wanted to explore but Matt noticed his voice was getting weaker. Most of the colour had drained out of his face and eyes were slowly creeping to a close.  
“Hey buddy stay awake for me “ urged Casey .As Noah’s ramblings came to a halt silence closed in on them ,desperately Matt attempted to fill it with what little he knew about outer space. He tried to ignore the feeling of Noah going limp in his arms and the fact the little boy was now unresponsive. He continued talking about a film he thought Noah might like, it was about about outer space and astronauts he’d seen it advertised on the T.V late one night when he couldn’t sleep . Then Matt heard it , someone calling out his name,  
“ I’m here “ he yelled desperately.

Everyone’s spirits were slowly dwindling when Casey’s cries broke out through the sound of rubble being moved.   
“He’s here” screamed Kidd. Everyone headed towards Kidd instantaneously and started rapidly clearing the debris away. After what felt like an eternity Casey’s battered form came into view.  
“Sev“ rasped out Casey.   
“ I’m here case” assured Kelly. Kidd and Otis moved towards Casey and carefully picked up Noah .   
“Be careful, he’s a really special little boy he’s going to be the next Neil Armstrong “ announced Casey in an attempt to cheer up Noah . Severide supported Casey as they ambled out of the rubble and towards the ambulances. Casey gazed over at Noah who was now on a stretcher being loaded into an ambulance but the little boy was as still as a statue.   
“ He’s ok . He’s just sleeping, he’s fine , we survived “ Casey babbled.  
“He’s going to be an astronaut one day”Casey reassured himself.Severide glanced anxiously at Brett who solemnly shook her head. Another paramedic started checking over Casey and he reluctantly agreed to let truck 81 drive him to med to get properly checked out. Casey didn’t argue as he knew at least he’d get a chance to check on Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, criticism welcome


	3. Breaking point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey’s lost too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy, any criticism apreciated.

Severide watched patiently as Will checked over Casey, all his injuries were superficial and he only had a minor concussion. Given Casey’s history Will wanted him to have a CT scan just to make sure everything really was ok , he knew Casey well enough to know even if he was in excruciating pain he wouldn’t tell anyone. But Casey was starting to grow agitated , he just wanted to see Noah.   
“See I’m fine , can I go now ?” He growled. There was a horrible thumping in his head but he kept it to himself, he could manage on his own he always did. He didn’t want Will to know about the pain or the dizzy spells ,if Will thought there was anything seriously wrong he’d refuse to clear him for duty, being a fire fighter was the only thing he was good at, the only reason he deserved to be alive . 

Casey was starting to get really tired of watching Severide and Will exchange concerned glances every time he spoke.  
“ I want to run some extra tests Casey and keep you in over night for observation “   
“ you can’t keep me here “ he yelled as pushed himself off the hospital bed.  
“Fine Casey but you’re coming back home with me” intervened Severide he knew how stubborn Casey was , the only thing he could do was to make sure he'd be there to pick up the pieces when it would all inevitably get too much for Casey to handle on his own.  
“Fine “ Casey mumbled in defeat. Matt then stumbled out of the cubicle , as he found himself standing in the middle of med he realised he had no idea where Noah was . He was surrounded by the screaming monitors , nurses rushing around, doctors yelling orders and family members huddled together talking in low concerned voices . Everything was too loud and there was a sharp stinging in head , he wanted to go home , he wanted to climb into bed and shut out the chaotic world. However he knew he wouldn’t be able to relax without seeing Noah first.

Casey’s head was on fire he felt tears stinging his eyes , he just wanted to see Noah. He wanted to see the little boys bright eyes and wide smile, to hear the sound of him babbling about space. He needed to see that he was happy and safe. Casey was abruptly yanked out of his thoughts by the feeling of Severide grabbing his arm.   
“ Casey we need to talk , let’s go somewhere quiet” Severide insisted hoping Casey didn’t notice how his voice cracked towards the end. Severide was terrified of telling Casey the truth about Noah, he didn’t think Casey’s soul could take anymore guilt. It wouldn’t matter that he had done his best, that he’d put his life on the line for Noah and did everything he could, Matt would blame himself for the rest of his life.   
“The break rooms free we can go in there “ chimed Will as he returned from talking to dr manning. He didn’t want to leave Severide to deal with this on his own ,poor Kelly looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights.While Casey looked a lot worse than he had five minutes ago, he was pale and breathing heavily. Will even thought he could see a tear run down Casey’s face.  
“Come on Casey, everything’s going to be ok, we just need to talk” Severide soothed as he steered Casey towards the break room. 

Once they were inside and the door was closed silence fell over them it was like they were in a cabin in the middle of the woods, not the gloomy break room at the hospital .Severide pushed Casey down onto the sofa and crouched down in front of him.  
“What’s going on Severide , I'm tired of you two exchanging strange looks and treating me like I’m 5 years old “ snarled Casey. Kelly inhaled deeply , he closed eyes for a second and willed himself to speak.  
“ Matty , Noah didn’t make it “   
Casey shot up off the sofa forcing a bewildered Kelly to the floor.   
“Shut up “ screamed Casey.  
“ Casey I’m so sorry but he’s gone “ Severide consoled as he picked himself up off the ground. “Stop lying to me” Casey shouted as he began to pace around the stuffy room.  
“ Noah is alive , he’s going to work for NASA one day”   
“ oh Casey “ exhaled Severide, he wanted nothing more than to hug Casey and never let go , he wanted to hide him away from the world that kept abusing him . Casey was the most loyal, selfless, kindhearted person he knew but hidden behind the smiles and kind gestures was a tired petrified tortured soul who needed to feel loved.  
Halstead stepped out from the corner of the room where he’d been nervously watching the scene in front of him.  
“ Matt I spoke to Dr manning she was the doctor looking after Noah” Will paused for a second and moved closer to Casey.  
“She did everything she could but he was bleeding internally, there was nothing we could do ” Will calmly informed.   
“Not you too , don’t lie to me ” Matt rasped as he started towards the door, but his escape was thwarted as Kelly placed himself firmly in front of the door. Casey was becoming increasingly erratic there was no way they could let him out of the room yet.  
“ Dr manning’s with Noah’s parents right now but once she’s finished I’m sure she’ll be happy to speak to you” stated Will.  
Severide looked at Casey his eyes were wild , he was broken and desperate.  
“Why are you doing this Kelly?”  
“What did I do to you that was so terrible you decided to turn everyone against me? “ Matt cried as he started anxiously yanking at his hair , fat tears streamed down his face. 

The buzzing in his head was suffocating him , he could see Kelly’s mouth moving but all Matt could hear was incomprehensible mumbling. Why was this happening? He just wanted to see Noah , he knew Noah was alive he could feel it in his heart there was no way Kelly was telling the truth. Noah was an amazing little boy , he was going to dress up as an astronaut for Halloween, he was going to go to space camp , and maybe he’d even join a hockey or baseball team one day , maybe he would go to college or travel to exotic places , find love for the first time, find his place in the world, maybe he would even start a family, but no matter what path he chose Noah was going to live an amazing vibrant life. He was a kid with his whole life ahead of him not another person Casey couldn’t Save.

Matt could feel the weight of the world crushing down on him , he just wanted to get out of this room he kept backing up till he felt a painful jolt as he hit the wall.  
“ Matt you never did anything wrong, you’re my best friend. I’m telling you the truth Casey but everything will be ok because I’ll always be there for you” reassured Kelly 

Matt slid down the wall in defeat he was so tired of their lies why were they doing this ? Then he remembered there was one person in the world who cared about him , some one who would tell him the truth.  
Matt turned towards Will,  
“Can you call my mum ? “ he sobbed.  
“ Casey -“ began severide,  
“ I want my mum” shrieked Casey.   
Severide felt his heart shatter at those four words, Casey seemed so young as he sat there huddled against the wall. As Casey began to whimper Kelly felt completely useless. Severide was about to crouch down in front of Casey when the latter sprung up ramming his whole body into Severide tackling him to the floor . Casey darted to the door when he abruptly came face to face with Halstead.   
“ Will please “ pleaded Casey ,  
“ I’m sorry Matt”  
“ me too” stated Casey as he punched will square across the jaw. As soon as Will hit the ground Casey shoved him out of the way of the door and dashed out of the break room , heading straight for the exit , suddenly he felt something heavy collide with his body sending him to the floor. A heavy weight held him in place , Matt felt the weight lift off and him being turned over to look up towards the ceiling. That’s when he saw a face full of worry staring at him, Severide.  
A small sob escaped from Casey , immediately after Casey started hysterically crying as hard as he could.  
“It’s ok Casey ,let it out. We’ll get through this together I promise” Severide soothed as he wrapped his arms tightly around matt. Casey was in too much pain to care that he was sat on Kelly’s lap in the middle of med sobbing uncontrollably as passerby’s gawped at him in shock.

Will stumbled out of the break room holding his jaw ,expecting Casey to be long gone when he was met with a devastating sight ,Kelly sat on the floor rocking Casey back and forth in a desperate attempt to calm him down.   
“Haven’t you all got better things to do” Will bellowed at the group of people staring at the two firefighters, they blushed with embarrassment and skulked away.  
As Will made his way over to Kelly he felt Maggie walking close behind him,  
“Is there anything I can do” she asked,  
“ call Boden and doctor Charles “  
“ ok” she replied before walking away.

The buzzing in Matts head was becoming unbearable, he looked desperately at Kelly but he’d turned into a blurry mess of shapes , the sounds of beeping machines stabbed his ears , a burning sensation spread across his whole body like a wild fire ,he tried to breathe but it was as if a tonne of bricks were pressing down on his chest. Casey’s sobs were replaced by high pitch whimpers . Kelly could feel tears streaking down his face he had no idea what to do.   
“ it’s going to be ok “ Kelly kept repeating trying desperately to remain calm.

Will kneeled down next to Kelly and placed a hand on his shoulder .  
“What do you need me to do?” Will whispered.  
“ I don’t know “ Kelly cried , he just wanted this nightmare to end.  
He gazed back down at Matt .Casey had turned a sickly pale green colour , he was drenched in sweat and his whimpers were becoming quieter.   
“Matty , buddy can you still hear me ?“ Casey remained limp in Severide’s arms, Kelly looked desperately at Will. Will opened his mouth but closed it abruptly as Matt’s eyes rolled into the back of his head, Matts whole body was taken over by aggressive convulsions.   
“He’s seizing, we need a trolley “ bellowed Halstead.  
Swiftly Will and a team of nurses got Matt up onto the trolley and into a cubicle. Severide stood numbly watching from outside as they continued working on Casey while his whole body seized. Severide wanted nothing more than this day to end , Casey was in so much pain. Severide wished they were at home sat on the sofa watching a game or sat in in his office talking about Kidd or even at Mollys having a drink anywhere but in med going through hell.

Casey finally stopped seizing and the nurses slowly funnelled out of the room until it was just Severide and Halstead . Kelly looked at the numerous machines hooked up to Casey and felt a enormous lump in his throat. Kelly wanted to ask Will what was wrong with Casey but he was exhausted in every way possible , he collapsed into a chair next to Casey’s bed and clasped Casey’s hand in his .  
“As soon as there’s a slot free we’ll send him down to radiology for a head scan” informed Will.  
“ Thanks for helping us Will it means a lot and I’m sorry about your jaw“ he apologised gesturing to the bruise starting to form on Halstead’s jaw.  
“ It’s ok Casey’s a good guy, I don’t mind”

Boden calmly stepped out of his car, There’d been a knot in his stomach since he received a frantic call from Maggie telling him Matt was in a bad way. Casey was an amazing fire fighter and a loyal friend but he had no sense of self preservation, It was horrible to watch Matt sink further into a dark pit of despair but no matter how much they tried he wouldn’t let them in. As he stepped into med Maggie came hurrying towards him.  
“Matt suffered a seizure after I called you” she stated glumly.  
Maggie informed Boden of the events leading up to the seizure as she led him to the cubicle which held Casey.   
“ what happened severide “  
“ Casey finally reached his breaking point “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, keep safe . : )


	4. Surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey’s in for a tough few days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry , I’m not a doctor so this won’t be medically accurate.  
> But Please enjoy.

The cubicle lapsed into a heavy silence that was only interrupted by the repetitive sound of Kelly tapping his foot . Matt had been taken to radiology for a CT scan , Kelly and Boden had to stay behind , Kelly hated being away from his best friend , what if Matt woke up suddenly in the middle of the scan without him there to calm Matt down? Whilst Kelly waited eagerly for Matts return his mind kept replaying the scene in the break room, Matts wretched cries and the distraught look in his eyes.

Kelly let out a deep breath as he watched the nurses finally return Casey he wasted no time grabbing Casey’s hand .Boden was sat on the chair on the other side of Matts unconscious form silently observing the two lieutenants. Casey had shut them all out and he had been hurting a lot more than anyone had realised , Severide had tried countless times to get him to open up but Casey was too stubborn for his own good. Boden was terrified because he knew Kelly and Matt were more like brothers than friends and if they lost Casey then they would inevitably loose Severide too.  
“ He uh , he asked for his mum “ severide whispered, Kelly’s shoulders were hunched , his eyes were red and puffy from crying , Boden had never seen him looking so broken.  
“ Kelly look at me “ he ordered in a firm but comforting voice. Kelly sluggishly lifted his head up to face Boden.  
“There’s nothing more you could have done Kelly.Matt froze us all out ,if you pushed him any harder he might of transferred houses “ Boden sighed,  
“but none of that matters now . Matts in the best place, they’re going to find out what’s going on and we’ll be there every step of the way “ comforted Boden as he leaned in closer towards Matt.  
“You didn’t see him chief , I’m not sure if he’s going to bounce back this time,I assumed he didn’t want to talk about his Mum because he was trying to deal with it by himself like he always does” Kelly paused and let out a shaky breath.   
“ But he thought she was still alive, how did i not see it ? All the signs were there”   
“ Severide we can’t change what happened.Matt needs you now more than ever, there’s no time to focus on what ifs” Severide nodded as he wiped away the tears that started to spill down his face.

Will calmly walked into the room the accompanied by an older doctor Boden had never seen before.  
“Severide , Boden this is Dr Sam Abrams he’s the head of neurosurgery he will be leading Matts case” stated Will. Boden turned towards the two doctors, however Severide’s gaze remained glued to Casey. He felt ever muscle in his body turn to stone as he heard the word neurosurgery, he realised they were in for a rough ride. This was a lot more serious than a minor concussion, Kelly had foolishly hoped that after some pain meds and a night in the hospital Matt would be discharged in the morning ; now Severide realised how much trouble Matt was really in.  
“ I’ll get straight to the point “ began doctor Abrams.  
“ Casey has a hematoma , it’s very big and we need to drain it before it’s size increases, I need to get him into surgery straight away to preform a craniotomy, first which we will make an incision in the scalp , then we’ll remove a piece of his skull and drain the hematoma ,lastly we will check for any bleeding before replacing the bone and closing the scalp. He’ll be placed under general anaesthetic for the procedure” explained Dr Abrams. Severide stared horrified at the doctor he felt like his friend was slipping away from him.  
“ Have you got any questions ?” inquired Dr Abrams, Severide and Boden shook their heads simultaneously.  
“Ok , the nurses need to start prepping Casey for surgery ” Halstead announced as he glanced cautiously at severide. Kelly was about to open his mouth when Will continued,  
“As long as you keep out of the way and let the nurses do their job you can stay with Casey” Kelly eagerly nodded his head. Boden left with the two doctors, he needed to call 51 to inform them of what was happening. Fifty one was a family and whenever one of their own were in danger the entire house felt the effects. Casey was the stoic Captain who would do anything for his fellow fire fighters , his current predicament was going to hit everyone incredibly hard.  
Severide watched helplessly as Casey’s work clothes were swapped with a hospital gown and a nurse began shaving away a patch of Matts blonde hair. Casey remained unresponsive the whole time . Severide longed to see Matts blue eyes again.  
Then the time came for Casey to be taken down to surgery, as his best friend was being whisked out of the room Severide felt his body turn to ice. Boden wordlessly returned and wrapped an arm around severide as he helped Severide his feet and they stumbled into the waiting room.

Severide stared numbly at nothing in particular . The waiting room was agonisingly still , it was as if they were in a cocoon shut off from the rest of world. The waiting room was rammed full of people but the only sound was the occasional sniffling , a feeling of gloomy uncertainty hung in the air .Four hours had passed by and there was still no news on Casey . Severide started bouncing his knee up and down in an attempt to stop himself from bursting into the ER in search of answers.  
“What’s taking so long?” Kelly gritted out.  
“ I don’t know Kelly but I’m sure they’re doing everything they can” before Kelly could say anything more he spotted Dr Abrams approaching him. Kelly could hear the thunderous beating of his heart in his chest , Casey had to be alright, he couldn’t loose another friend.  
“ The surgery was a success , we had to place a drain under the skin to help remove blood from the area , so he will need a small surgery to remove it in a few days, he’s been placed in the ICU where we will monitor him closely ” explained Dr Abrams.  
“ thank you “ Boden stated in a calm tone.  
“Can I see him ?” Asked Kelly, he had listened intently to Dr Abrams but all he could think about was how much he needed to see Casey.   
“Of course, I’ll take you there now” 

As Kelly stepped into the room he didn’t pay any attention to the nurse by Casey’s bed or the loud beeping coming from the numerous machines surrounding Casey , the only thing that mattered was the fragile figure laying brokenly on the bed in the middle of the room. Kelly glared at the drain protruding out of head , which was encircled by stark white bandages which stood out against Casey’s clammy skins. An uncomfortable looking breathing tube stuck out of Matts mouth,  
“He will be taken off the ventilator once the anaesthetic wears off” the nurse explained after noticing the pained expression that appeared Kelly’s face as soon as he saw the ventilator.  
Casey looked like the tiniest movement could cause his whole body to shatter into a million pieces. Kelly was afraid of hurting Matt but his need to feel closer to Matt won out , so he reached cautiously out and delicately held Matts hand .   
“ oh Matty “ cried Kelly. This wasn’t Casey , Matt was a stubborn firefighter who loved to watch Blackhawk games and felt the need to help everyone, he wasn’t the broken figure led in front of him.  
“It looks a lot worse than it is ? He’s not in any pain “ reassured the young smiling nurse. Unfortunately Kelly wasn’t listening anymore , the only person in Kelly’s world was Matt.

It was almost 10pm and visiting hours had ended along time ago but the nurse didn’t have the heart to tell Kelly to leave. The exhausted man sat next to Casey like a loyal dog protecting a little puppy, his eyes were full of sorrow and whenever he spoke his voice was raw with emotion.  
Kelly found himself babbling away to Casey’s unconscious form,  
“Once this is all over we can take a trip up to Benny's cabin , just the two of us or we can go on a long fishing trip , and there’s a party at Mollys next week to celebrate Capps 20th wedding anniversary, I have no idea how the poor woman survived so long she deserves a medal “ Kelly laughed nervously. As soon as he would stop talking he could feel himself drowning in his own thoughts and emotions it was easier to shut them out, therefore Kelly kept rambling on about hockey , how he was falling in love with the Stella, about Capp wanting to start a book club and about buying new curtains for the apartment. Kelly tried everything he could to stop the darkness creeping in but he was fighting a loosing battle.  
“ mind if sit with you “ inquired a familiar voice ,Kelly didn’t even bother to look up instead he just gave a small nod , he felt Dr Charles sit down next to him.

Dr Charles never uttered another word, nothing he said would stop the thoughts running through Kelly’s head .But he stayed by Kelly’s side all night , in the hopes of reminding the firefighter that he was not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for any mistakes, don’t worry Casey will be awake in the next chapter. Any criticism welcome .


	5. Everything’s going to be ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey finally wakes up but his battle is far from over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the helpful advice and comments I really appreciate it.  
> Hope you enjoy.

Kelly lethargically peeled opened his eyelids , he felt a twinge in his back as he stirred in the hostile hospital chair . Kelly had eventually drifted off in the early hours of the morning , after dutifully watching over Matt for hours. Kelly gazed at his watch it was nearly eight am , he was surprised the nurses let him stay all night. Severide turned towards the hospital bed and was brutally reminded of why he was sat in the ICU, Matt was still unconscious but at least the colour had returned to his face ; he was no longer a sickly pale colour.  
Kelly glanced at the empty chair next to him and wondered if Dr Charles had ever occupied the seat or if it was just a dream. Kelly stood up and stretched his aching legs as a wary looking Will walked through the door holding two cups of coffee .  
“Hasn’t your shift finished yet ?” Kelly asked while accepting the cup of coffee from Will.  
“Yeah , but I wanted to check on my favourite fire fighters” Kelly forced out a small laugh.The room lapsed into silence as Will and Kelly intently watched Matt.  
“The anaesthetic should be starting to wear off, meaning Matt could be awake by lunchtime” explained Will breaking the silence. Kelly felt relief wash over him , he didn’t think he could survive much longer without hearing Matt’s voice . 

Everyone at fire house 51 understood that there were multiple sides to Casey he was strong , caring ,confident ,stubborn and extremely private . However Kelly saw a vulnerable side of Casey they never saw , Matt was extremely conscientious and insecure he was afraid of being loved because it always ended in despair. Kelly remembered the day he met Matt at the academy.Kelly was obnoxious and loud , he through himself into every task trying to prove he was the best, he was determined to prove he was more than just Benny Severide’s son . Where as Matt was the quiet reserved skinny kid who could do anything Kelly could. Andy had befriended Matt first determined to help him, as Matt was always on his own and wore a permanent look of misery.  
“He’s a tiny little puppy who needs our guidance “ Andy had replied when severide asked him why he cared so much. Kelly was reluctant at first but quickly became fond of the timid blonde.They took Matt under their wing , they took him everywhere with them and eventually persuaded him to move into there spare room. Of course they went to bars and watched hockey games together but they also reminded Matt to take care of himself. Matt would go for days surviving on only a few hours of sleep , cups of coffee and the occasional piece of fruit. So Kelly and Andy would take it in turns to cook big meals knowing Matt was to polite to decline eating something they spent time making . Also when they could hear Casey pacing around his room late at night they'd invite him too watch a movie marathon with them ,once Matt had passed out one of them Would drape a blanket over Casey and they would both watch over him for the rest of the night . Matt would always be Kelly’s and Andy’s little brother. However Casey only had Kelly now and Kelly was determined not to let Andy down.

A soft mumbling noise shook Kelly out of his thoughts.  
“ Matty , hey Matty everything’s ok. You’re in med “ comforted Kelly as Matt began to stir. Matt’s limbs felt like they were made of lead , his eyelids were glued down and there was something stuck in his throat. Matt tried desperately work out where he was but his memories were shrouded in a thick fog. While trying to pry open his eyes , distorted words began to cut through the thick fog. After hearing the word med he was violently reminded of the building collapse that left him and Noah trapped. Noah , he needed to find the bubbly little boy.With all the strength Casey could muster he lifted his arms and began grabbing at the tube in his mouth.   
“ Matty calm down” called Severide as he grabbed Casey’s hands which were frantically grabbing at the breathing tube   
“ Casey it’s Will Halstead , you need to calm down. Everything’s ok , I’m going to go get a nurse and we’ll excubate” Will reassured before darting out of the room.  
When Casey felt his arms being forced down he began furiously kicking out his legs. Casey needed to see Noah , why wouldn’t they let them him go ? Finally Casey’s eye lids flew open and he attempted to scream for Noah but his efforts were hindered by the tube lodged in his mouth.  
“ shhh Matty everything goes to be ok” soothed Kelly.  
The haze in Casey’s mind started to clear and he came face to face with Severide, Casey stopped fighting and looked helplessly into Kelly’s eyes , pleading silently for Kelly to let him go.

Eventually Will returned with Dr Abrams and a nurse.Once the ventilator was removed Casey attempted to beg Kelly to help him find Noah but instead he erupted into a loud painful coughing fit.  
“Take it easy Matt , here drink this “ reassured Will as he held a cup of water to Matt’s mouth   
“Can you tell me your name?” Asked Will after shining a light in Casey’s eyes.  
“ mmm” murmured Casey as he tried desperately to spit out his name.  
“ mmmm..aaatt” Casey slurred . Despite this Kelly wasn’t alarmed as he recalled how Casey struggled with his speech after the initial brain injury a few years ago.  
“Well done Matt ,can you remember what happened? “ inquired Will.  
“ N-N-Noah “.Kelly felt his heart sink instantly.   
“ Matt you had a bleed on the brain ,we had to operate.There’s a drain in your head which we will need to remove in a few days but we can talk more about that later“ stated Dr Abrams. Matt gawked at the unfamiliar doctor he didn’t understand what was going on , he just wanted to see Noah.  
“Noah” Matt slurred as tears streaked down is face.  
“Matty Noah didn’t make it “ Severide admitted in a soft voice. Despite Casey’s condition Kelly knew Matt needed the truth. Matt’s whimpering grew louder , he didn’t care about the doctors or Kelly watching him break down . After all it’s not like he mattered to them he was nothing but a useless pathetic human who let an innocent little boy die. 

Kelly gently petted the patch of hair on the right side of Casey’s head ,until Casey inevitably wore himself out. Dr Abrams had to run off to help another patient but promised to return later when Casey was awake.  
“Do you mind staying with him for a moment while I call Boden ?” Asked Kelly.  
“No of course not” Will replied glancing at Matt , he looked so young and vulnerable now. Tear tracks stained the young mans face and his remaining hair was sticking up in different directions.  
Kelly stepped out of the room and promptly called Boden,  
“Kelly how’s Matt? “Boden asked immediately.  
“He woke up for a few minutes , he was confused ,upset and struggled speaking but at least he’s alive “   
“ I’m glad he’s ok , I’m sure with our help he’ll get through this”  
“ I hope so , I don’t know what I’d do without him” admitted Kelly.  
“ Don’t worry about that Kelly, Casey’s a fighter. I’ll visit this evening but for now take care Kelly”  
“Will do” replied Kelly before shoving the phone in his pocket and dashing back into Casey’s room.

A few hours passed by ,Casey was continually drifting in and out of sleep. Dr Abrams was pleased with Matt’s progress despite the slurred speech , Matt had even been moved to a different ward for monitoring. Will had gone home and Kelly was sat with Casey who was fast asleep again after getting himself worked up. Kelly felt apart of himself break every time Casey would cry himself to sleep begging for Noah , the only silver lining was that Casey hadn’t asked about his mother yet. But as soon as Christie arrived Kelly knew that would change.

Severide was hungry and tired but couldn’t bare the though of leaving his friend. Kelly could feel his eyelids drooping and finally gave in to sleep .When Kelly awoke he could hear someone talking softly, as Kelly rubbed his eyes tiredly he realised some one had draped a blanket over him. He turned towards the bed to see Hermann holding onto Casey’s hand , the older man hadn’t noticed Kelly was awake. Kelly was about to say hello but found himself go still at Hermann’s words.  
“Everything’s going to be alright Casey , I don’t know what we would do if we lost you. I would never tell you if you were awake but the truth is you and Severide mean a lot to me . You’re stubborn and argumentative but you’re like sons to me”. As Hermann continued talking Kelly drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading.  
> Have a very happy day. : )


	6. Please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt may be starting to recover physically but mentally he’s got along way to go yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and once again thanks for the support and advice it means a lot.

It was late in the afternoon , Kelly and Hermann were still glued to Casey’s side watching over the damaged firefighter. Boden had just left the hospital , he wanted to stay longer but unfortunately he had an important meeting to attend , after all a fire chiefs work was never done. Cindy had also dropped by with toiletries and pyjamas for Matt to wear once the catheter had been removed. She was now outside in the waiting room not wanting to overwhelm Casey with too many visitors in one day. Kelly had also received a phone call from Christie ,who said she would be arriving tomorrow. Severide was petrified of how Casey would react when Christie arrived as it would undoubtedly lead Matt to finding out about Mother, therefore shattering his already fragile world.

Kelly could feel his eye lids drooping when he was jolted awake by the sound of the door opening, Kelly turned to see Maggie slowly approaching the bed .  
“ I know you care about him a lot and want to watch over him but it is way past visiting hours” Maggie explained. A frown appeared on Herman’s face but he nodded understandingly  
“ Please Maggie I promise I’ll stay out of the way” Kelly pleaded, Severide couldn't stand the thought of going back to the empty apartment leaving a vulnerable Matt behind.  
“ I’m sorry Kelly you know the rules , but I’ll be here all night and I promise to keep an eye on him” swore Maggie.  
“Come on Kelly “ coaxed Herrmann as he started towards the door.  
“Fine”.  
Kelly ruffled Casey’s remaining hair gently ensuring he was careful not to hit the drain still protruding out of his head. The surgery to remove the drain was scheduled for Thursday morning which was two days away.  
“ Sleep tight Casey, I’ll be back first thing tomorrow” promised Kelly.  
Kelly cast one more glance at Casey , Kelly’s heart was beating loudly in his chest and his feet were stuck to the floor . Then he felt a comforting arm wrap around him.  
“Come on Kelly he’s in safe hands” stated Hermmann gently steering Kelly out of the room.  
As he walked further always from Casey’s room Kelly tried desperately to hold in the tears which were threatening to fall, he felt horrible leaving his little brother.  
“ Kelly “ someone called , the friendly voice sliced through the grim atmosphere of the waiting room . As Kelly looked up he felt a small smile spread across his face.  
“ Stella what are you doing here ?” asked Kelly in disbelief as he walked up to Stella and pulled her into a tight hug .  
“ Cindy called me”,Kelly looked over Stella's shoulder and offered Cindy a warm smile which she happily returned.  
“You look exhausted Kelly, let’s get you home”.

Maggie was walking through med when she heard loud distressed whimpers coming from Casey’s room , it was almost midnight meaning Severide had been gone for nearly six hours. Within that time Dr Abrams had checked over Matt again and was pleased with his progress , he still found it difficult to talk but he was able to answer all Dr Abrams’ questions correctly. Also the nurses had been closely monitoring Casey and waking him up every few hours to ask him questions which was the protocol when it came to brain injuries. Casey had appeared to be recovering smoothly but right now he was far from ok . Once Maggie walked into the compact hospital room she was met with the sight of a pale Matt tossing in the bed , Maggie sprung into action straight away concerned that he might pull out the catheter or accidentally yank off the wires connecting him to the monitors.  
“Shhh Casey everything's alright” she reassured as she tenderly rubbed matts back. Matt leaned into her touch but continued to wail in distress.  
“It’s ok Casey you’re in med “. Maggie continued rubbing Casey’s back as he wearily opened his eyes , he sat himself up as quickly as his drug addled brain would let him. His eyes frantically began to search the room.  
“Noah , help Noah .“ slurred Matt. Maggie felt a twinge of sadness she had already been informed of the devastating events that led to Matts hospitalisation. She felt a lump in her throat as she realised she’d have to be the one remind him of the little boy’s fate.  
“ Matt I’m sorry , Noah passed away”  
“ No“ cried Casey, Maggie tried to carefully lean in to give Matt a hug but he feebly pushed her away.  
“Need mum , want my m-m-mum “  
“ I’m sorry she’s far away right now Matt “ Maggie lied , despite feeling guilty for lying she understood that right now the truth would destroy him, his vulnerable mind couldn’t take any more sadness . Matt began rocking himself back and forth in frustration slamming his back against the headboard , his arms reached up to pull at his hair , rapidly Maggie grasped his arms and pinned them by his sides to prevent him from hitting the drain. Normally she wouldn't have been able to overpower the firefighter but he was still drowsy from the drugs.  
“ p-p-pleassse, need mum”. Casey felt as if the room was getting smaller and smaller, and all the light and warmth in the room had vanished .Noah was dead that little bright happy boy was dead and he was still alive, it wasn’t right. He felt disoriented all his memories and thoughts had blurred together , his body ached and trying to construct a simple sentence was exhausting. He wanted his mum she’d know what to do . He remembered when he was really little when he was sick she’d make him soup and read to him until he fell asleep, all Casey wanted was too hear her voice.  
“ I’m sorry Casey , But I can call Severide for you” she offered in desperation , usually when a patient was in distress like this they’d administer a sedative but that would be too risky given the recent brain surgery.

All Casey wanted was to see his mum but the voice echoing around the room kept telling him she wasn’t there .However Matt knew his mum wouldn’t abandon him she had to be here somewhere he pushed himself towards the edge of the bed , he felt a wave of pain wash over him as he pulled out the catheter and loud shrieking suddenly assaulted his ears as the wires covering him were also yanked away settling off the monitors . Casey tried urgently to scramble to his feet but his legs felt like jelly and he he immediately found himself landing on the floor with a painful thud. Maggie was by his side immediately, two other nurses ran into the room and helped her lift Matt back into the bed. Casey was still sobbing uncontrollably as the nurses tried to reattach the catheter and the wires but it was impossible . Maggie ran out of the room to call Severide she hated to bother him at such a late hour especially when he looked so worn out earlier but she had no choice.

Severide was led wide awake staring up at the bare ceiling, he could hear the sound of Kidd breathing softly but Kelly had been drifting in and out of sleep for the last few hours . Despite how exhausted he was earlier now led in bed all he could think about was Casey. Kelly felt physically sick , his mind was screaming at him for leaving Matt behind. Suddenly the sound of his phone ringing danced through the cozy bedroom. Kelly immediately snatched the phone off the bedside table.  
“Severide” he answered.  
“ Kelly it’s Maggie, Matt needs you “  
“ I’ll be right there” Kelly responded hanging up the phone before leaping out of bed  
“ Kelly is Matt ok ?” Stella asked as she followed Kelly into the living room as he began pulling on his shoes and jacket.  
“ I don’t think so “ he sighed before giving her a hug and running straight out of the door.

Kelly darted into med dreading what he’d find once he reached Matts room , as he got closer he could hear Casey’s anguished cries , Kelly urged his feet to move even faster .Kelly’s heart shattered into a million pieces when he opened the door to reveal Matt curled up into the fetal position in the middle of the bed , he was shaking violently , his eyes were puffy and his voice was becoming hoarse. Maggie stood helplessly beside Matt whispering reassurances in his ears but Kelly doubted Matt could even hear them. Kelly kicked off his shoes and threw off his jacket before climbing onto the bed . Kelly pulled Matt into his arms and rested Matts head on his shoulder while being careful not to touch the drain still in his head. Eventually Matts sobs grew quieter and quieter until they were replaced by shaky breaths, Casey’s body finally gave into sleep. Now he was with his little brother Kelly finally succumbed to sleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed , thanks for reading.  
> Any criticism welcome : )


	7. Little Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christie finally arrives but is she really the person Matt needs to help him get through this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading

Severide slowly roused from a peaceful sleep feeling something warm resting on his chest , as he looked down and saw Casey’s blonde mop of hair the events of the previous night came flooding back. Severide was relieved Matt was safe and calm now but last night had proved that even after the surgery Casey was far from ok.  
The nurses woke Casey and Kelly every few hours but in between check ups they both slept peacefully. Kelly looked mournfully at the obtrusive drain sticking out of Matts head. The surgery to remove it was tomorrow. However Kelly was more concerned about Christie’s arrival.  
“Hey Matty “ soothed Kelly as the blonde began to stir.  
“ mmm hi S-s-sev” Matt mumbled. Severide sat up careful not to jostle Casey too much , the nurse had managed to reattach the wires , IV and catheter at some point during the night. A nurse entered the room and began to check over Casey. As severide clambered out of the bed he groaned realising he was still wearing his pyjamas and in the rush to see Casey last night he’d forgotten to bring a spare pair of clothes.

“Come on Casey you need to eat something ?” Severide pleaded.   
“Not Hungrrry” Casey whined.  
“Please Case” , Casey glared at Kelly and begrudgingly took a small bite of toast.  
Kelly had left to get some coffee , on his way back he noticed a familiar figure pacing in the waiting room.  
“ Hey Christie “ he greeted .  
“ Kelly hi , how is he doing?”  
“Better , his speech is still slurred but the drain is being removed tomorrow” informed Severide. Christie nodded and smiled in relief.  
“But there’s something else I need to tell you , I didn’t want to tell you over the phone” stated Kelly as he steered Christie to a nearby chair.  
“Casey believes you’re mum is still alive “ Kelly blurted out.  
“what ? “ Christie gasped. She knew Matt was struggling with their mothers death. She wasn’t surprised when Matt started ignoring her texts and phone calls, he always froze people out when he was vulnerable but she hadn’t expected him to be in denial.  
“He keeps asking for your mum , he has moments when he starts to panic and he tries desperately to search for her” Kelly admitted sadly.  
“ oh” Christie sighed. Kelly watched Christies eyes fill with fear , he was worried she was going to run off but felt himself relax when she asked to see Matt.  
“Come on , he’ll be please to see you “ Kelly comforted as he got up and led Christie to Matt.  
As Kelly re-entered Matts room he noticed the tray which had Casey’s breakfast on was gone but the blonde firefighter remained sat up drowsily in the bed wearing a small smile.  
“Hey buddy look who’s here” he said as he plopped down into the chair next to the bed.  
“Hi Matt” Christie greeted in a strained voice, she tried to force a smile but found herself frowning at the fragile state of her brother.  
“ Hi “ Matt responded feebly. Christie cautiously approached the bad and sat down on the opposite side of the bed to severide.  
“ It’s good to see you Matt “  
“ Mum?” Asked Casey hopefully.  
“ I’m sorry Matt mums not coming” replied Christie.  
“Why ?” Matt rasped. Christie swallowed nervously as she felt her heart sink.  
“ Matt mum passed away” Christie replied calmly. Casey began rapidly shaking his head.  
“No “ he whimpered. Severide immediately moved towards Casey and wrapped an arm around him. Kelly began whispering reassurances in Casey’s ear when Matts fist began pelting Kelly’s chest . Matt continued to hit Kelly as hard as could but he was quickly running out of energy. Kelly hugged Matt tighter as he began to sob. Once again Kelly rocked a distraught Matt as he cried.  
Christie felt her heart ache. Matt was her little brother and it was her job to protect him.   
When their parents would argue all night long Matt would climb into her bed and snuggle in close as she told him stories and jokes until he fell asleep , the year there were no presents under the Christmas tree Christie held Matt as he cried reassuring him he was a good boy but Father Christmas made a mistake , when their dad threw Matts favourite teddy bear in the bin after telling him he was too old for such stupid things Christie used her money from babysitting to buy a new bear which they kept hidden safely under the floor boards. When their dad screamed at Matt for striking out during his baseball game she stayed up all night helping him practice. It was her and Matt against the world . However after their dad died Matt was just a bitter reminder. Christie wanted to forget what happened, so she went to college far away and she ignored all Matt’s calls and letters , she met a boy at college and spent all her holidays with him . Christie never knew about the long hours matt would spend waiting on the doorstep of his aunties house for her to arrive or the nights he would spend crying next to the phone begging for her to answer. Their aunt wasn’t mean or horrible but she loved her career more than them . She was on track for a huge promotion when she was saddled with the two of them but she didn’t let that get in her way . she still went on long business trips and nights out but she’d leave them money for food and sometimes she’d even bring back a small present. After Christie left for college Matt had no one. Christie would never forgive herself for leaving her little brother behind . Matt was always quiet she was the only person in the world he’d open up to, she saw the real Matt no one else saw but when she finally returned he froze her out just like everyone else. As she watched Matt cling onto Kelly she realised Matt was no longer her little brother he was Kelly’s and as much as it hurt she felt happy knowing he had someone to turn to.

Finally Matt collapsed against Kelly in exhaustion.  
“ I think I should go“ Christie sighed as she got to her feet.  
“The funeral is this Saturday , sorry it’s too late to postpone” she apologised. Kelly nodded sombrely.  
“ I’m glad he has you Kelly”. Kelly felt a warm glow in his chest at her words. Kelly had never liked Christie, he hated her for abandoning Matt when he needed her more than anything. He blamed her for Matts inability to trust people and let them in. Christie reminded Kelly of Benny , she only turned up when she needed something. But the thing Kelly hated the most about the situation was that Matt blamed himself for her leaving. However this time Kelly believed her leaving was for the best because Matt was grieving for the mother who protected him from his vile father , while Christie was grieving for the mother who brutally killed her loving father.

Two hours had passed since Christie had left and Stella had dropped by with a change of clothes for Casey, she didn’t stay knowing her Captain wouldn’t want her to see him like this. Casey was now awake watching a random nature documentary on the tv. Severide was watching Casey with concern , his speech was still sluggish, and he could only say a few words at a time. Severide watched Casey struggled to remember basic things like what the remote control was called and he listened to Matt repeating the same questions. However the doctors reassured him it was likely to pass within a few days and that Casey was making good progress. His little brother would be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re all ok, thanks for reading. Stay safe : )  
> Any criticism welcome


	8. Bears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt and Kelly are going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading , any criticism welcome: )

Matts eye lids were heavy and he could feel his head swaying from side to side. He desperately tried to keep his eyes open and focus on the shark documentary , but the sharks were becoming blurry and the voice of the narrator was becoming distorted. He didn’t want to fall asleep , every time he fell asleep he saw Noah’s crystal blue eyes , he could feel the little boy in his arms and hear his soft voice babbling about the cosmos. 

Casey had almost drifted off back to sleep when a loud knock jolted him awake.  
“Come in “ called Kelly. Casey could hear the door opening and he looked up to see Will standing in the door frame.   
“ Hi Matt” greeted Will. As Will offered Casey a small smile he noticed a dark bruise marring Will’s lower jaw. Casey continued to stare at Will , he could feel a deep uncomfortable feeling wash over him , guilt. Casey tried desperately to think back to the last time he saw Will but his memories were foggy and his head began to ache. Will noticed Casey’s eyes lingering on the bruise,  
“There was an incident with a patient the other day but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through” explained Will as he approached Casey’s bed. Matt shifted uncomfortably and started picking at the blanket draped over him . Despite Will’s explanation Casey began to feel sick , he knew there was something Will was hiding from him and judging by the concerned looks Kelly kept casting he was in on the secret.  
“How are you? “ inquired Will. Casey grimaced, his arms felt heavy and he felt like he was wearing his firefighters hat and mask ,everything was muffled.   
“ Sssad” Matt mumbled before he could stop himself, he could hear the thunderous beating of his heart. Kelly was surprised by Matt’s admission but he was actually happy to hear it , Kelly had never heard Matt share his emotions before.   
“ Why are you sad Matt?” Asked Will softly , as he sat down in the chair next to Casey.  
“ Not like here” he whimpered, Matt’s speech worsened when he was tired .  
“If the surgery goes well tomorrow you might be home by Monday” Will comforted. Casey knitted his eyebrows together and a deep frown crossed his face.  
“When that?”. Kelly chuckled softly to himself at poor Matt’s confusion.  
“Five days Matt” replied Will.  
“ Long way” wailed Casey. Matt began angrily thumping his fist against the mattress.  
“It’s not that far away Matt and we’ll all be here with you” soothed Will as he gently grasped Casey’s hand to prevent him from disturbing his IV.  
“Hey Matt look a new documentary is starting, I think you’ll really like this one” grinned Kelly who was grateful for the distraction.  
“Bears” Matt gasped in excitement. For as long as Kelly had know Matt he had always had a fascination with bears , One year Andy even sponsored a bear for Casey ,he got a stuffed bear and weekly photos. Kelly also knew Matt still had George the toy grizzly bear , fortunately Casey kept him in his locker . After all Matt would have been devastated if he had lost George in the fire. But Kelly still didn’t know why Matt loved bears so much.

Matt felt a warm feeling in his chest as he watched a big fluffy bear appear on the screen. When Matt was little his mum always called him her baby bear , because to the outside world he was a strong confident little boy but deep down he was a friendly cuddly little bear.   
As Kelly watched Matt smiling at the bears an idea popped into his head.  
“ Hey Will, do you mind if I make a quick call ?”  
“No of course not Kelly, we’ll be ok “ Will assured.  
Once Kelly left the room Will turned his attention back to Casey who was smiling widely at the tv. Will felt himself relax at seeing Casey smile , it was like seeing the sun after a horrible storm.

Kelly returned to the room and the three of them happily watched the documentary together . An hour had passed by and Kelly felt a ginormous weight lift off him at Matt’s peaceful expression as he slept, Matt had fallen asleep as soon as the documentary had finished .   
The door opened and Hermann poked his head into the room.  
“ Hey Severide I got that thing you wanted” he stated passing a bag to Kelly.   
“ Thanks Hermmann I really appreciate it”   
“ How is he doing? “ inquired Hermann.  
“Good” stated Kelly cheerfully.  
“ I’m glad to hear it , I’ve got to go but tell him I said hello” Hermmann said before disappearing. Will glanced questioningly at the bag.  
Kelly reached into the bag and pulled out a fluff small toy grizzly bear ,  
“Meet George “ announced Kelly. Will shook his head in amusement . Kelly gently placed George next to Casey’s sleeping form. Almost immediately Casey reached out for the bear and hugged him close to his Chest . When Andy gave Matt George he had laughed but over the years during Matt’s darkest moments George always brought Matt comfort just like Andy had before he passed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again and have a great day.


	9. Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casey’s exhausting hospital stay is coming to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hope you enjoy this chapter.

Kelly stared into space gripping tightly onto George as he bounced his foot up and down . Kelly was all alone ,Matt was in surgery having the drain removed . It was only a small procedure this time but that didn’t stop anxiety gnawing at him .Severide felt a hand gently shaking him, Kelly looked up to see Cindy offering him a fresh cup of coffee. Everyone at 51 wanted to be there with Kelly but they were all on shift, Kelly had taken the next two weeks off to stay with Casey.  
“Thanks Cindy” he said before taking a small sip , relaxing slightly at the feeling of hot liquid running down his throat.  
Cindy smiled softly at Kelly.   
“Has he had it since childhood ?” Cindy asked .  
“ What?” Asked Kelly , he wasn’t thinking straight his mind was clouded with worry.  
“ The bear” responded Cindy.  
“ oh” Kelly chuckled,  
“ No it was a present from Andy , some how he found out about Casey’s love of bears, Casey could talk about them for hours” explained Kelly.  
“ I still have no idea how Andy found out , he always had a way of figuring out how to get Casey to open up and lower his walls , I wish he was here” admitted Kelly.  
“I can’t bring Andy back but me and Hermmann will always have yours and Matt’s back, also I know Andy would be so proud of you for everything you’ve done for Matt” she said reaching out to hold his hand.  
“ Thank you , Hermmann is lucky to have you”. Over the past few years Cindy had been there for Kelly more than his real mum ever had.

Eventually Matt was returned to the room and Kelly felt all the tension vanish from his body. Dr Abram walked into the room with a small smile on his face.   
“There were no complications, we believe he’ll make a full recovery. We just need to monitor him closely for the next few days, and we should be able to discharge him on Monday” explained Dr Abrams happily . Kelly had never felt so relieved in his entire life, physically Casey would be ok which meant he would be able to return to work , Kelly didn’t want to think about what Casey would do if he couldn’t be a firefighter anymore. 

Kelly gazed at Matt , the ugly drain that had been violating his head had been replaced by thick black stitches marring his skin. It was finally Monday morning and Matt was free to go home , after a weekend full of crying and terrible nightmares . Casey was hugging George tightly to his chest as he sat perched on the edge of the bed , meanwhile Severide was talking to a nurse about how to take care of Casey. Finally Severide was confident he knew what to do and placed a list of instructions safely in his pocket.  
“Ready to get out of this place ?” Asked Severide cheerfully.  
“Yeahhh” slurred Casey with a big grin plastered across his face. Matt’s speech was still not improving but the doctors were remaining positive ,but if Matt’s speech didn’t improve within the next two weeks he’d have to attend speech therapy which Kelly knew Matt would despise.  
“Come on Casey lets go” Kelly cheered as he helped Matt to his feet.

As soon as Casey was sat in the car his eyelids began drooping, he pressed his fore head firmly against the cool window and let himself succumb to sleep. Once they reached the apartment Kelly settled Casey down on the sofa and draped a thick navy blue fleece blanket over him. Kelly started cooking dinner as he watched Matt sitting on the sofa , staring at the tv with a pained expression.   
“What’s a matter Casey?” Asked Kelly.  
“ n-n-nothing”. Matt was still tired but he’d built back up his walls and had returned to his old ways. Without the distraction of nurses and surgeries grief would soon start crashing down on Casey , Kelly just hoped Matt would take of his mask and let Kelly help. Matt’s head would be ok but his heart was still in pieces after loosing Noah and Nancy.  
“Matt” groaned Kelly.  
“ Bur-r-ried ?” Asked Casey with a crestfallen look. Kelly never knew one word could hold so much pain , he didn’t need any more information to know what Casey was talking about.  
“Yeah Case , the funeral was Saturday. Christie tried to delay it but everything was already arranged” explained Kelly as he sat down next to Casey.  
“ No goodbye “ stated Casey in a monotone voice as he stared vacantly in to space.  
“Actually you still have a chance”. At Kelly’s vague words Casey turned and looked at Kelly in confusion.  
“Your mum was cremated , Christie wants you to have her ashes” informed Kelly in a tentative tone.  
“ I was thinking, why don’t we go to Benny’s cabin to scatter her ashes ?” Suggested Kelly.  
“ Free” whispered Casey as a small smile flashed across his face.  
“ yeah Casey she’ll be free”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it seems like I rushed through the rest of Casey’s hospital stay but I was worried the story was becoming repetitive.  
> Any criticism welcome.  
> Have a happy day.


	10. The journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly and Matt set off for Benny’s cabin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Two long days had passed since Matt had left the hospital. Since their conversation about going to the cabin Casey hadn’t mentioned his mother or Noah , but he had been far from silent . In fact Kelly was pretty sure Matt had spoke more in the past two days than he had in the past two years. Despite his incessant talking ,his speech was still slurred , he was speaking in short sentences and he often mixed up his words . Matt talked about anything he could, he talked about 51 , sports , anything but his family and the events of the past week. Kelly knew the reason Matt was talking so much was because he didn’t want to talk to about everything that had happened, he just wanted to forget everything .Kelly noticed Matt also repeated his self a lot , at first Kelly thought it was because Matt had run out of things to say and he was desperate to fill the silence. But then Matt started asking the same questions and forgetting where he put things but Kelly was hoping Matt was just tired and within a week he would be back to normal.  
When Christie had visited to give Matt there mother’s ashes he locked himself in his bedroom, when he came back out after she had left he refused to acknowledge Christie’s visit.

Now Kelly was busy checking his bag for their trip to Benny’s cabin,  
“Ready Casey” called Kelly,   
“ Yesss”  
“ Sure you’ve got everything” inquired Kelly.  
“ yess” Casey repeated sounding annoyed this time. While Casey was in the bathroom Kelly quickly checked Matt’s bag , he was pleasantly surprised to see Matt had everything he needed.  
Kelly also grabbed George from Matt’s room and placed George in his own bag , he knew Matt would never admit to needing George but Kelly understood that George was the only thing he had to remind himself of Andy , Also after his apartment fire George was the only sentimental item he owned.

Severide was listening intently to Matt babbling away as they drove to the cabin , They were almost there and Matt had only stopped for a second to catch his breath, however his eyelids were starting to droop and his words were heavy with tiredness. The car became silent and Kelly thought Matt had finally given into sleep,  
“Why j-j-just us?” Asked Matt abruptly in a weary voice.  
“What do you mean Matty?”   
“ Where Andy?” whined Casey. Immediately Kelly felt his heart stop , he slammed on the breaks jerking them both aggressively forward,  
“Ow” yelped Casey.  
“ Sorry Case” apologised Kelly weakly as he started driving again ,trying not to alert Casey. Kelly could hear his heart beating in his ears, he felt like he was shaking but he knew he had to keep Matt calm , he had to stay strong for his brother.  
“Where do you think Andy is?” Asked Kelly failing to hide the fear in his voice, but Matt was oblivious. Matt started fiddling with his zipper anxiously,  
“ with Heatherrr and kids” responded Matt dejectedly.  
“ Uh , yeah buddy you’re right” Kelly replied trying desperately to hide the cracks in his voice.  
“ a-avoiding me” whimpered Matt,  
“ no Matt, Andy wanted to come but he was busy ”. Kelly felt sadness engulf him , he didn’t want Matt to think Andy had abandoned him , Andy and Kelly were the first people who cared about Matt and didn’t leave.  
“Never hospital”, Kelly could feel tears streaking down his face , this couldn’t be happening,   
“ The Kids and heather haven’t been very well “ explained Kelly lamely.  
“ bad” gasped Matt,  
“ no Matt just the flu but he he didn’t want to give you the flu too” , Matt stared at Kelly before giving a small nod, a few more minutes passed and Matt eventually drifted off to sleep. They were only twenty minutes from the cabin it was too late to turn around to go to med.

After what felt like an eternity they reached the cabin , as Kelly stopped the car he could feel his self shaking , he felt like someone had ripped out his heart and stamped on it. Matt didn’t deserve all this pain and suffering, he was the most selfless person Kelly had ever met.  
“ Matty we’re here” Kelly said gently shaking Matt.  
“Mmm” mumbled Matt softly. He remained in a peaceful sleep so Kelly decided not to disturb Matt yet , Kelly started to unload the car and take their stuff into the cozy cabin.

“Matt , buddy lets get you into the cabin” Kelly whispered as he lifted Matt too his feet , he helped Matt into the cabin , the blondes man was barely conscious and he was leaning on Kelly with his entire weight. Kelly settled Matt down in one of the bedrooms ,he tugged off Matt’s shoes tucked him in and positioned George carefully in his arms, it reminded Kelly of their days at the academy when Casey would work until he dropped , Once Kelly found Matt asleep on the toilet in the middle of the day, Kelly and Andy managed to move him into his bedroom without awaking him. Kelly gazed at his little brother, loosing Andy almost broke both of them , he didn’t think Matt could survive loosing him a second time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a good day , hope you enjoyed . ; )


	11. The cabin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly calls someone for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy.

Kelly anxiously paced up and down outside of the cabin , he was muttering to himself while gripping tightly onto his phone waiting for Will to answer . His heart was racing and tears were now streaming silently down his face, when Kelly lost Andy he almost lost Matt too. He wasn't there for Matt last time , he was too busy blaming Matt for Andy’s death to pay attention to how he was coping but he knew it hit Matt hard , at least this time Kelly would be there for Matt.  
“ Kelly what’s going on ?” Will’s voice cut through the crisp silent forest air.  
“It’s Matt he’s um he’s not doing too well” mumbled Kelly.  
“Kelly what happened?” Asked Will calmly.  
“He asked me where Andy was”   
“Oh” responded Will, he may have never met Andy but he knew how much he meant to Kelly and Matt , he’d heard stories about Andy at barbecues and he’d seen photos of Andy with a young energetic Kelly and a skinny wide eyed Matt.  
“What do I do?” Gasped Kelly,  
“Don’t panic, you’re no use to Matt if you get all wound up, we need to check if this is amnesia caused by the surgery or a symptom of another problem ”  
“Ok, I’ll get him to med” replied Kelly.  
“ Good luck, I’m off shift right now but I’ll meet you there” promised Will.

“Matty , I need you to wake up” coaxed Kelly as he gently shook Matts arm ,   
“N-n-noo” whimpered Matt as he burrowed deeper into the blankets.  
“Please buddy” pleaded Kelly, drowsily Matt pried open his heavy eyelids and slowly began sitting himself up.  
“What’s hap-p-pening?”   
“We need to go back home”  
“Why?” Matt squeaked , Kelly could hear Matt’s breathing speed up and watched as Matt’s hands shot up to nervously tug at his hair , Kelly watched a look of confusion spread across his face as his right hand made contact with the shaven part of his head,  
“ we need to go back to med”  
“ Andy” Casey gasped.  
“No, Andy is fine , we just need to go, please trust me”.  
“No go back” whined Casey.  
“Matt please trust me, it’s important” urged Kelly.  
“No , loud and smells and busy” mumbled Matt as he began shaking,  
“Please Matt”  
“No , promised mum free” yelled Matt in a broken voice, Kelly felt himself freeze, he stopped and regarded the fragile figure in front of him ,Matt’s hair was damp with sweat , his skin was clammy and pale .Kelly realised if he persisted Matt would only get more distressed and that Matt wasn’t going to leave until they scattered his mother’s ashes.   
“Ok Matt, we’ll stay tonight and we’ll scatter your mum’s ashes tomorrow then we’ll drive back” compromised Kelly. Matt nodded his head softly before settling back underneath the warm blankets.

For the second time that night Kelly found himself nervously pacing in the cool fresh air as the sun started to set.  
“ Kelly is everything going ok”  
“ Matt won’t leave until tomorrow” Kelly stated , he heard Will sigh deeply over the phone.  
“How does he seem? Does he have any other symptoms?”  
“He seemed ok in the car apart from the speech problems but when I woke him up , he was clammy, shaky , drowsy and pale “ rambled Kelly,  
“Don’t panic he’s probably just tired after travelling , his body’s still fragile” comforted Will. After a moment of silence Will spoke again.  
“Kelly send me the address and I’ll come and check on him”, Kelly didn’t want to inconvenience Will but he was too concerned about Matt to say no. He wished he could just take Matt to med now , he even considered carrying Matt to the car while he was sleeping but if he woke up and started panicking he could hit his head damaging the already delicate area.  
“Thank you Will , I have no idea what we would do without you, I’ll text you the address now”

An hour had passed since Kelly had spoken to Will , he was sat in the ancient chair in the corner of Matt’s room , watching him intently, he still had a million thoughts racing through his head and he could hear his heart thumping in his ears. Kelly looked over at Matt who was in a fitful sleep,  
“Hey Matt it’s just a dream” soothed Kelly as Matt bolted upright shrieking,  
“Matt, speak to me buddy” said Kelly after Matt’s screams had turned to panting.  
“F-fine” replied Matt , Kelly resisted the urge to scoff.  
“Matt , you’re not fine . You need to talk to me”  
“You don’t t-talk” accused Matt. Kelly had to admit he wasn’t the best at sharing his feelings but Shay, Matt and Kidd had always looked out for him and stopped him from running himself into the ground ,now it was his turn to help Casey and try to get him to open up.  
“Yeah and who always gets me to talk during our cigar breaks” replied Kelly. Casey glared at Kelly in annoyance until he succumbed to asleep once again.

It was midnight when Kelly finally heard the sound of Will’s car , he got up and opened the cabin door to see a disheveled Will carrying a small bag as he ran towards him ,  
“Thanks for coming”  
“ it’s ok , how is he doing?” Inquired Will.  
“He’s been drifting in and out of sleep for the past few hours” sighed Kelly his body was aching all over from sitting in that chair for so long.  
“He’s in here” said Kelly as he pushed open the bedroom door. Immediately Will crouched down in front of Matt and tried to rouse him , in response Casey murmured something as he pulled the duvet over his head.  
“ Come on Matt it’s Will, I need to talk to you” , after what felt like an eternity Matt poked his head out of the blankets,   
“Hey Matt , I just need to do some quick checks ok”  
“Why? Sick no more”   
“Casey you had a brain injury not the flu, we still need to keep a close eye on you and Kelly was worried” explained Will.  
“No worry” moaned Casey as he shot Kelly another glare.

Will assessed Matt’s condition and apart from memory and speech issues he was fine , however Will would have felt happier if he could take Casey to med to run some more tests but he knew that wasn’t an option. After his check up Matt buried himself under the duvet again, only his messy blonde patch of hair and the invasive stitches could be seen. Kelly showed Will to the other bedroom and he was now settled back in the old chair in Matt’s room. As Matt began to stir once again Kelly knew he was in for a long difficult night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments and advise it really helps a lot , any criticism welcome.  
> Have a happy day.


	12. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time for Matt to let go of his mum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy, thank you for reading.

The sweet scent of pancakes and maple syrup filled the air as Will hummed softly to himself while preparing the delicious breakfast, Will had found the eggs in a bag full of food Kelly must have dumped on the counter in a rush when him and Matt arrived. Will had heard Casey screaming sporadically throughout the night but every time Will reached the bedroom Casey’s shrieking had ceased and Kelly had calmed Matt down. Will looked up to see a disheveled Kelly shuffling into the main living area of the cabin.  
“Good morning” greeted Kelly in a tired voice,  
“Hey Kelly, how are you?”  
“Better than Casey, You didn’t have to make breakfast Will”  
“I know but I was hungry and you were up all night with Casey, I thought you could use a good breakfast”  
“Thanks Will , you’ve been a big help the last few days”  
“It’s fine, Casey is a great guy , we both know he would do anything to help others but now it’s time for us to help him” explained Will. He glanced at the clock it was already nine am.  
“Should I wake him up” Kelly asked, he didn’t want to disturb Casey now he was finally sleeping but he knew they needed to get Matt to med soon , hopefully they could wake Matt , let him say goodbye to his mum , have lunch then travel back ; they should arrive at med by four pm.  
“Yeah, we need to get him too eat” replied Will. After a few minutes Kelly returned with a sleepy looking Matt leaning against his shoulder.  
“Morning Matt”  
“What you here ?” Asked Matt  
“Thought I’d come over and check on my favourite patient” , Matt’s brows were still furrowed in confusion but he must have decided not to pursue the matter further , as he remained silent and slowly sat down at the table.  
“Here Matt eat up” said Will as he slid a plate of pancakes to Matt. But the blonde just stared at the plate.  
“Matty you need to eat something” urged Kelly, as he sat down next to Matt and passed him a glass of orange juice , which Matt shakily accepted. Kelly noticed Matt struggling to hold the cup and shot Will a worried look.  
“Please eat something Matt” Will pleaded , not only did Matt need to eat something but Will wanted to see if Matt struggled holding a fork , he could have asked Matt to hold something for him but he didn’t want to risk alerting Matt. Despite Wills and Kelly’s pleas Casey continued staring at his plate.  
“No hungr-r-ry” moaned Matt,  
“Matt you need to keep up your strength your body has been through a lot this past week ”Will explained. He scrubbed a wary hand across his face , he was getting desperate. Matt was already skinny before the head injury but now he was dangerously close to being nothing but skin and bones.  
“Matt if you don’t eat something soon we’ll have to tube feed you” Will admitted in a sad tone.  
“ Make sick” explained Matt in a weak voice ,  
“Please just try to eat a few bites if you still feel nauseous we can look into giving you some medicine for it”. At Will’s words Matt reluctantly took a small bite of his breakfast ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach.

The air was cool and the only noise was the sound of the wind dancing through the tree’s Kelly, Will and Matt were stood at the edge of the lake, Matt was gripping tightly onto the small dark grey urn. They had been stood by the lake for nearly twenty minutes and Matt hadn’t said a word since they left the cabin.  
“Free” Matt stated in a shaky voice as he carefully took the lid off the urn and scattered the ashes. Tears were rushing down Matt’s face and his legs collapsed from underneath. She was gone his mum was really gone , the last time he saw her when they hugged and talked for hours and she said she loved him was just a lie , in reality the last time he saw her she just gave him a halfhearted wave before jumping into a car and driving away without a second thought. Did she even know he loved her? Did she even love him ? He wish he could go back to before the brain surgery,It was easier to believe she was alive , he didn’t care if everyone thought he was crazy at least he could live in a world where his mum got her happy ending but instead he lived in a world where everyone he ever loved left him , everyone except Kelly. Severide was his big brother but he was falling in love with Stella, one day they would start their own family leaving Matt behind .  
Matt continued sobbing hysterically when he felt a warm arm wrap around him and felt himself gently being moved off the cold floor and onto Kelly’s lap. Severide hadn’t left him yet , so for now he would lean Into the hug instead of pushing him away because he didn’t know how much longer Kelly would be there to offer him comfort.

After Matt’s crying subsided Will and Kelly stood on either side of him and helped support Casey as they sombrely walked back to the cabin. Once they returned they settled a distraught Matt onto the sofa. Kelly began packing the car and Will closely observed Matt as he stared mournfully into the distance, Will followed Matt’s gaze to a painting of mountains on the wall, as Will walked closer to the painting he began to understand Matt’s fascination with it , there was a majestic grizzly bear stood in the corner. Will walked over to Kelly who was in the bedroom Matt had occupied,  
“Do you have George? I think Matt needs him” stated Will.  
“Yeah “ responded Kelly picking the beloved bear up off the bed and passing it to Will. He approached Matt who was still staring despondently at the painting , as the bear came into Matt’s view a small smile flashed across his face,  
“Said I was baby bear” Casey announced in a small broken voice,  
“Your mum used too call you baby bear?” Asked Will, at Matt’s admission he understood why the blonde loved bears so much.  
“Yeah, stopped when prison” Casey whimpered, Will frowned he knew Casey’s mother had been in prison but he didn’t know why.  
“She still loved you Matt” soothed Will,  
“No , took freedom, caused kill dad” cried Matt.  
“Matt it wasn’t your fault, your mum made her own choice”  
“Not good , never good, a mistake”  
“ you didn’t make a mistake Matt, you were just a kid who left his keys out”  
“No , me mistake, happy before I born , broke marriage” screeched Matt hitting his fists against his legs.  
“No Matt none of that was your fault” but Matt didn’t even hear Kelly’s words he was too deep in his own thoughts. Kelly realised Matt wasn’t just dealing with his Mothers or Noah’s death he was dealing with everything he’d been through his entire life , dealing with everything he suppressed and all the feelings he bottled away. Kelly knew Matt was at rock bottom and he was petrified of what would happen when Matt found out the truth about Andy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t think I’m going to include any romance except minor Kelly and Stella, I hope that’s ok.
> 
> I hope you’re enjoying it so far , thank you for reading and thanks for your kind comments.


	13. Helpless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly and Will try to get Matt home in one piece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi ,hope you enjoy.  
> Sorry I don’t know very much about medicine so this isn’t scientifically accurate at all.  
> Any criticism welcome : )
> 
> Trigger warning:minor vomiting

Butterflies frantically flew around Kelly’s stomach, they’d been on the road for about an hour, Matt’s breakfast and lunch had decided to make a reappearance just before they left , due to Matt’s vomiting they decided it was best if someone sat in the back seat of the car with Matt. Therefore they left Will’s car at the cabin and Will was sat in the backseat rubbing Matt’s back as he dry heaved into a bucket they’d found in the cabin. Kelly wanted to be the one comforting Casey but Will was a doctor and if something else went wrong Will would be able to act faster than Kelly .

Matt felt absolutely miserable , someone was drilling into his head , the world was spinning and his throat felt roar,  
“Hey Matt everything is going to be ok” soothed Will , after the heaving stopped Casey’s body felt heavy and he slumped against the window. Will watched Matt’s head collide with the window , fearing that Matt would damage his stitches he unbuckled Matt’s seat belt , immediately Matt collapsed onto his lap whining at the sudden movement.  
“Mmm s-sor-r-ry Andy” mumbled Matt , both Will and Kelly felt their blood run cold.  
“Hey Matt can you look at me? , who do you think I am?” Asked Will as gently shook his shoulder , Matt opened his eyes but he squeezed them shut again as he was assaulted by the bright sunlight.  
“Not funnnny An-ndyyy” replied Matt, before Will could ask anymore questions Matt dozed off, Kelly’s heart was in agony. He focused on getting Matt to med, it would be two hours until they reached med. Kelly considered going to another closer hospital but as Matt’s condition wasn’t critical he decided to take him to the people he trusted.

They were ten minutes away from the hospital. Will was gently patting Matt’s arm while he whimpered in his sleep , suddenly Will felt Matt’s body turn rigid before he started twitching violently.Will wrapped one arm around Matt to stop him from rolling onto the floor.  
“Kelly he’s seizing” yelled Will as he started the timer on his watch , at Will’s terrified yelling he sped up and darted through the busy traffic.

Severide pulled into the ambulance bay and Dr Abram and Maggie along with some other nurses came rushing to the car , Will had called Maggie as soon as Matt’s seizure ended.  
“His seizure lasted six minutes, he’s been unconscious for two minutes, he was vomiting before and complaining of a headache” repeated Will as Matt was pulled off his lap and placed onto a trolley. Kelly stood numbly in the waiting room once he returned from parking the car. Matt had been whisked away for more scans and tests. Kelly had never felt so alone , he couldn’t loose his baby brother.

Kelly was sat in an uncomfortable seat staring at the doors when finally Will appeared. The young doctor looked exhausted his hair was sticking up in different directions, his face was flushed and his shoulders were slumped.  
“He’s stable, you can come and see him now” announced Will.  
As he entered the room Kelly was met with the all too familiar sight of Matt fast asleep in a hospital bed hooked up to wires and an IV but this time he also had an NG tube invading his nose.  
“What’s going on Will” asked Kelly brokenly as he looked at the disheveled man holding Casey’s hand.  
“His scans are clear there’s no new bleed ,We think there might have been some permanent damage to the brain , but we’re not sure yet .We’ll continue to monitor him closely and run more tests” explained Will.  
“Permanent? isn’t there anything you can do?” whispered Kelly, if it was permanent then Matt wouldn’t be able to be a firefighter anymore.  
“The memory problems may improve over time and with the right medicine we can control the seizures but we just have to wait” interrupted Dr Abrams from the doorway.  
“We are going to keep him in for a few nights and if his seizures continue we’ll try using anticonvulsants to manage them” stated Dr Abrams. Kelly felt as if someone had thrown him off the top of a building , he knew Matt already had a tough road ahead of him but now he felt as if Matt’s entire future had been shredded into pieces. 

Severide was holding onto Casey’s hand tightly and Will was flicking through an old magazine he’d found ,  
“Will I appreciate your help but you look exhausted ,I can stay with Casey”  
“Firstly you don’t look that great either, secondly my cars at your Cabin” Will pointed out earning a small laugh from Kelly,  
“Damn I forgot about that” chuckled Kelly,  
“It’s ok I’ll ask dr Manning to take me home when her shift ends”.  
“Hey why don’t you two stay at the cabin for a few nights and retrieve the car” suggested Kelly,  
“You’ve done so much for us , my dad won’t mind you staying there for a few days, plus it’s my fault your car is stuck there” continued Kelly when he noticed Will reluctance.  
“I’ll think about it” responded Will with a grin.

Will had been gone for an hour when Kelly was roused out of his thoughts by Matt murmuring.  
“Hi sleeping beauty”greeted Kelly , Matt slowly opened his eyes and drowsily smiled at Kelly before trying to sit himself up ,  
“Easy Matty” warned Kelly as he propped Matt up against the pillows , Matt began rubbing tiredly at his eyes when he noticed the tube on his face. Matt was about to pull it out when Kelly grasped his wrist.  
“Careful Matty it’s just a feeding tube” explained Kelly,  
“Need no” mumbled Matt,  
“Need yes, you’re turning into a skeleton ” laughed Kelly trying to appear calm , but on the inside Kelly was tired and petrified of what the future held for Casey. Matt began shifting uncomfortably and his eyes scanned the room frantically,  
“Andy go?” asked Matt. Kelly was speechless, his head was spinning he was at loss , he couldn’t lie to Matt forever but he also wasn’t ready to tell Matt the truth. He decided it would be best to have this conversation when he had gotten a good nights sleep.  
“Andy had to go home , Heather needed to go to work and Andy needed to look after the kids”,  
“Oh” responded Casey before fiddling nervously with the blankets.  
“Matty everything ok?” Inquired Kelly, Matt shifted slightly in the bed before looking at Kelly with sad eyes ,  
“G-g-george ?” , Kelly chuckled and passed the bear over to Casey , Will had retrieved him from the car before he left with Natalie. Kelly watched Matt smile softly as he hugged the treasured bear to his chest before drifting off into a peaceful sleep ,Whatever happened they would be ok because they had each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Have a good day.


	14. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Matts future starting to look brighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy, thank you for the supportive comments.

Matt’s hospital room had been shrouded in darkness, the only noise was the repetitive sound of machines beeping. Kelly was slumped in a chair next to Casey , he had managed to persuade the nurse on duty to let him stay , he was relieved Maggie’s shift had finished because she definitely would have forced him to go home. Kelly’s deep sleep was interrupted by distressed whimpers being emitted from Matt , Kelly placed a comforting hand on Matt’s shoulder and shook him gently.  
“Buddy everything is ok , you’re in the hospital” soothed Kelly as Matt began tossing violently in the bed.  
“Matty please wake up” called Kelly as Matt’s whimpers grew louder. Kelly shook Matt’s arm again , when Matt’s eyes flew open and he scrambled desperately to sit up. His breathing was erratic and he was drenched in perspiration.  
“Shh Matt everything’s ok” comforted Kelly as he rubbed a Matt’s back,   
“A-a-andy” panted Matt,  
“Matt-“ Kelly began.  
“D-d-dead” croaked out Matt as he turned to look at Kelly, his eyes were saturated with fear and Kelly could see tears threatening to spill.  
“Yeah Matt he is” responded Kelly , Matt’s sorrow made his heart ache but he was relieved he wouldn’t have to find a way to break the truth to Matt.  
“C-c-couldn’t save” cried Matt,  
“Through wind-d-dow then gone” gasped Matt, Kelly climbed onto the bed and cautiously pulled Matt into a hug avoiding the wires and tubes connected to his frail friend.  
“Matt it wasn’t your fault, Andy was stubborn and determined , he made the decision to climb through that window.  
“It wasn’t your fault” assured Kelly but the words felt bitter in his mouth because he knew he should have said them years ago. It was too late now to tell Matt he wasn’t to blame, he’d spent over five years blaming himself and Kelly had spent the first year after Andy’s death fuelling Matt’s guilt.   
“R-r-remember everything” weeped Matt as he rested his head on Kelly’s shoulder defeatedly.  
“Want forget, want A-a-ndy, want mum” sobbed Matt, his heart was beating rapidly in chest and his head was buzzing. He wasn’t in the hospital anymore , he felt like he was in a million different places at once , he was on the top of a ladder watching Andy disappear, he was stood in a cemetery watching his best friend being lowered into the ground ,he was led on the floor of the fire station after being punched by Kelly. Everything hurt , all of his memories were agony but Kelly’s calming voice pulled his consciousness back into the hospital,  
“ I know buddy, but you’ll always have me. I’m not going anywhere” promised Kelly as he hugged Matt tightly. 

Kelly walked eagerly into the hospital, it had been three days since Matt’s memory had returned and he had made a lot of the progress. The NG tube had been removed as Matt was able to keep food down and he hadn’t had any seizures since the drive to med, Matt’s future was looking a lot brighter. However Kelly wasn’t naive he knew Matt still had a long way to go, the blonde may have been improving physically but emotionally he was the worst Kelly had ever seen him. He’d become aware that his speech was slurred and mixed up , he was now too embarrassed to talk in front of anyone who wasn’t Kelly ,Will or Maggie. Matt’s eyes were dull and his smile was permanently absent , Matt nodded when people spoke and always co-operated with the nurses but he remained impassive . Worried visitors drifted in and out dropping off gifts and offering words of sympathies but Matt remained mute. Boden and Hermmann were the most frequent visitors but Matt always refused to make eye contact, he’d hide George under the bed and stare at the ceiling until they left. Matt felt shame engulfing him every time the two older men visited. They were father figures to him , all he ever wanted to do was make them proud but now they would know he was weak and pathetic, he’d let them down.

Kelly knew Matt’s mood would never improve while he was stuck in the hospital, thankfully he was finally being released. Kelly felt well rested and content, Maggie had kicked him out the night before claiming he needed a shower and a good nights sleep. As Kelly entered Matt’s room he immediately began smiling. Matt was perched on the edge of the bed with his bag sat next to him, he had one arm wrapped around George , he was swinging his legs back and forth and his small blonde patch of hair had been neatly combed. Kelly was overjoyed to see Matt smiling as he tilted his head at Kelly.  
“All set captain” asked Kelly cheerfully,  
“A-aye aye” slurred Matt. His memory was improving significantly but he was still required to attend therapy sessions to work on his speech and memory. They bid farewell to the nurses and once again set off for home. 

Kelly’s palms were sweaty and he felt queasy,Matt had been home for two days but it was time for Kelly to return work , Matt’s condition had improved greatly meaning there was a chance the brain damage wasn’t permanent. A few days ago Kelly had been contemplating what Matt’s life would be like if he couldn’t a firefighter anymore but now there was a possibility Matt would be able to return one day . Boden had promised to keep Matts spot open, assuring him that as long as he was healthy he’d always have a place at 51.  
Despite all this good news Kelly couldn’t shift the dark feeling in his chest , Matt was talking more but all his words felt hollow, he smiled and laughed but it was clearly all an act . Kelly felt like he was living with a stranger, the only thing familiar about Matt was his lack of openness. His dry sarcasm and smirks were gone, he was a robot. Kelly was worried Matt was slipping away , after loosing Hallie Matt had retreated into himself, after loosing Gabby he stopped hanging with the rest of fifty one , now Matt had watched a little boy die in his arms and had lost his mother before they could reconcile, Matt had finally snapped and let himself feel but Kelly wasn’t sure if Matt was ever going to bounce back from this , he wasn’t even sure if Matt wanted to improve.

Kelly grabbed his coffee cup off the counter before waving goodbye to Matt who was busy washing up the plates from breakfast , Kelly walked out of the apartment before he changed his mind about returning to work. He wanted to check Matt was ok again but he knew if he stopped now he’d never leave and that would infuriate Matt. Once Kelly was finally gone Matt’s shoulders sagged in relief and he retreated back into his room, he hadn’t bothered to get dressed because he had no intention to do anything. He crawled into his bed and cocooned himself in the blankets. He felt exhausted from hanging out with Kelly , even talking took up too much energy, he didn’t want to do anything anymore. He wasn’t sad or angry , he felt numb. It was as if he was in an astronaut suit , he couldn’t hear or feel anything, staring at the tv hurt his brain the people were too loud. His bed was comfortable and the room was dark, he laid so still in his bed he felt as if he was dead. 

All of the sudden he was disturbed by a loud knock at the door, he waited for the sound to disappear but the person at the door was relentless. Reluctantly he dragged himself out of the safety of his nest and shuffled to the door, he opened it to reveal a drained Will.   
“Hey Matt”  
“H-I-I”  
“Mind if I come in” asked Will.  
“No need Babysitting”  
“I know , but listen Matt I had a horrible shift yesterday . I tried to sleep last night but it was impossible.Natalie and Jay all have work, I don’t want to the spend the day alone with my thoughts, please can I hang with you Matt” pleaded Will tiredly. Matt was taken aback by Will’s honesty, it was clear he wasn’t lying , he looked as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Matt nodded and stepped aside letting Will in.

They collapsed onto opposite ends of the sofa , Matt switched on the tv and they watched in a comfortable silence.  
“I lost a kid” admitted Will brokenly, Matt continued staring at the tv deciding not to push Will.  
“A small girl, car crash”,  
“Her name was felicity she was on her way to a friends birthday party. She was six years old” explained Will. Matt ignored the tears in Will’s voice, he felt tears streak down his face. Matt had tried desperately to forget about Noah but the more Will spoke about his own pain the more he felt the tremendous torture of failing Noah. Noah was someone’s son ,he was going to be someone’s husband in the future, someone’s dad but now he was gone.  
“Lost Noah, World n-n-never same” stated Matt,  
“N-n-no more colour, everything grey” continued Matt as he locked eyes with Will. The doctor was about to speak again when Matt stood up and left the room. Feeling empty and numb Will looked mournfully at the door, he thought he’d finally gotten Matt to open up. Loosing felicity felt like a stab in the gut ,Will visited Matt because he wanted to be with someone who understood his pain . Will returned his attention to the tv when Matt reentered the room grasping something in his hand , as Matt approached him he realised he was holding cigars.  
“R-r-roof” ordered Matt as he passed a cigar to Will , he followed the blonde outside and they stood smoking contently. Both men were in a lot of pain but everything would be ok because they weren’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.


	15. Only option

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How long until someone else leaves Matt ? He doesn’t want loose anyone, he can’t handle loosing anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading: )   
> And thank you for the kind comments

Three miserable weeks had passed since Kelly had returned to work , three weeks filled with empty silences, sleepless nights and false laughter. Will still occasionally visited Matt but Casey never let his guard slip again, they talked about sports and tv but never about the tremendous pain Matt was in. Matt had been forced to attend speech and cognitive therapy twice a week , he despised every single second of the torturous therapy sessions, they made him feel like he was a child. He felt pathetic and weak, if his dad was alive he’d be mortified at his broken stupid son. The rest of Matt’s days were a blur of tv and sleeping, When Kelly was home he’d smile and laugh but it was exhausting. Matt’s brain was foggy and he felt numb, Matt didn’t feel alive anymore, he was just existing, he couldn’t feel anything. Matt hated living with Kelly because he knew it would end in pain , it was only a matter of time before he kicked Matt out or worse. Everyone Matt loved left.

Matt was sat at the kitchen counter listening to Kelly happily talking about Stella, the large smile on Kelly’s face made his heart sting. How long would it be until he had say goodbye to Kelly? How would Stella cope if she had to bury the man she loved ? Kelly was cheerfully preparing dinner and happily chatting to Matt but he was a million miles away . 

He watched sorrowfully as a dark coffin was lowered into the ground, the cold Chicago air gnawing at his skin , the sounds of cries filling the air. As dirt began to cover the coffin all the light and colour in the world drained away. People began funnelling out of the gloomy cemetery until it was only him and an angry figure. He felt the grief ridden person move closer to him , he could feel their breath grazing his neck,  
“It should of been you” hissed the figure, Matt remained frozen in place watching as two men shovelled dirt into the grave.  
“After everything he did for you. You broke him Matt, you wore him down. He spent all of his time looking after you, you’re just a pathetic creep, he was worth a million of you” screeched the figure.  
“I loved Kelly” screamed the figure as they roughly grabbed Matt’s head forcing him to meet their eyes. It was Stella, her skin was blotchy, tear tracks marred her skin and her eyes were hollow.  
“Kelly was my best friend , his mother just lost her only child, he was Boden’s favourite lieutenant, he always thought of him as a son. Everyone at fifty one loved him he was funny and charismatic , he was admired by everyone , he was an amazing person” sobbed Stella.  
“But you're nothing, your parents are dead, your sister abandoned you. The whole team hates you , every time you enter a room it turns cold, we look forward to the days you go on furlough, Boden despises you, you’re nothing but a power obsessed captain. You’re just a pathetic bland annoying little baby. You should have left but instead you stayed , leeching off Kelly, slowly killing him. You killed Kelly” shrieked Stella.  
“Just like you killed your father, Andy , Hallie and your mother”

“Matty, Matty” called Kelly as he gently shook Matt’s shoulder , the blonde was staring into the distance with fear in his eyes. Kelly had been concerned about Matt since he left the hospital, he never showed any emotion and refused to talk to Kelly about anything important.   
“Hey Matty can you talk to me buddy?” Urged Kelly, slowly the fear disappeared from Matts eyes and his brow furrowed,  
“K-Kelly?” Croaked Matt.  
“Yeah buddy it’s me” comforted Kelly, Matt felt relief roll over him. Kelly was alive , he was ok but for how much longer? Matt could feel his heart drumming in his chest, he couldn’t stay here with Kelly anymore, he was a ticking time bomb ; he had to go. Kelly cared about Matt , he was like his brother , Matt had no idea what he did to deserve Kelly in his life. He knew kelly would do anything to help him , he loved him, they were family. However Matt was toxic and slowly destroying Kelly. Matt knew too well that just because someone was bad for you it doesn’t stop you from loving them.   
“I’m f-f-fine kel” responded Matt,  
“Matt what is going on in that head of yours?”  
“N-nothing, I’ll h-help” stuttered Matt as stood up and took over from Kelly chopping up the vegetables. Kelly shook his head , he was loosing Matt , he was retreating further into himself and Kelly felt completely useless. Andy would know what to do.

Dinner passed by smoothly, normally after eating Matt retreated into his room but this time he joined Kelly in the living room.  
“You t-t-tell Kidd love her” announced Matt , drawing Kelly’s attention away from the television.  
“What?” Asked Kelly confused.  
“Need h-happiness”  
“I am happy already Matt”  
“You d-deserve life happy” proclaimed Matt as he offered Kelly a weak smile.  
“Matt you deserve happiness too”. However Matt turned his head away from Kelly and stood up heading for his room, before pausing ; gazing back at Kelly.  
“Maybe” stated Matt sadly before heading into his room. Kelly stared crest fallen at the closed door, he didn’t understand what had just happened.

Kelly stared at the ceiling, trying to sleep was futile, he couldn’t shift the uneasy feeling enveloping him , something was wrong. He slowly approached Matt’s room and reluctantly opened his bedroom door, he didn’t want to disturb Matt but he had to know the blonde was ok. Kelly breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Matt wrapped in the thick blue blankets, the lump in the middle of the bed didn’t stir so Kelly retreated to his room and let sleep claim him.

Morning finally came and as Kelly reached the kitchen he was met with the sight of Matt making breakfast, they exchanged greetings and after a delicious breakfast the time came for Kelly to leave. As Kelly walked out of the door Matt’s heart felt as if it was on fire. It took every ounce of strength he had to refrain from pulling Kelly into a hug and telling him he was thankful for everything he’d done for him , but he didn’t want to raise suspicions. 

Matt arrived at the bus station , his navy blue duffel bag was slung over his shoulder and he felt confident for the first time in months . Fifty one was his family but they would be better off without him , as much as it hurt to leave he knew this was for the best. He walked up to the ticket booth and brought a ticket to the place that was third on the list of locations on the wall , completely random, they’d never find him. Matt’s eyes were glued to the floor and he headed straight for his bus , trying to force his feet to move was agony , Chicago was his home but this was for the best. Unexpectedly he heard a gravelly voice call his name,  
“Casey , everything alright” , Matt’s heart plummeted, what were the chances he’d bump into someone he knew , he was cursed. Matt stopped mid stride and waited for the owner of the voice too catch up to him.  
“Hey Casey”,  
“V-v-oight” rasped Matt,  
“Everything alright” asked the older man concerned.  
“Y-y-ess” replied Matt.  
“Where are you going?” Inquired Voight, he was well aware of Matt’s recent hospital visit and the tragic loss of his mother.  
“V-visit sister” answered Matt feeling his face blushing at his speech.  
“Not driving yourself ?” Asked Voight sceptical off Matt’s response . Matt pointed to the part of his head where a large scar marred his skin.  
“Ah of course, how stupid of me” laughed Voight , he was trying to keep Matt talking , hoping the Captain would let the truth slip but the young firefighter was rapidly becoming agitated.  
“Need go” announced Casey as he pointed to his bus ,  
“Ok have a good time” called out Hank as Matt stumbled off. Matt’s heart became heavier as he approached the bus and a frown was pasted on his face.  
Matt found a seat on the bus and stared out of the window as he clutched his duffel bag to his chest , as the bus began to move tears streamed down his face , he was going to miss Chicago, he was going to miss his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading, have a great day.


	16. Leave me alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is sure running away is the right thing to do , can someone change his mind?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and thanks for the comments : )  
> Very mild swearing.

Nausea niggled at Matt’s stomach and his heart felt like it was beating a million miles an hour, Matt was soaking in the sights of the city he grew up in for the last time, the city that would always be his home. Unexpectedly he felt someone sit down next to him.   
“I’ve heard Massachusetts is nice this time of year ” stated Hank dryly as Casey turned towards him and gawped. As soon as he saw the blonde he knew Matt was running away , Hank had boarded the bus a few people after Matt and flashed his badge to the driver, he sat near the front of the bus, he knew he didn’t have enough time before the bus started moving so he sat down quickly waiting for the right moment to approach Matt.  
“Is that why you’re heading to Massachusetts despite the fact your sister lives in Louisiana”  
“H-how you know that?”  
“Oh Matt I know everything” grinned Hank, he’d over heard Kelly talking to Herrmann one night at Molly’s about how Matt was struggling with his sister moving away to Louisiana for promotion .   
“So Casey what’s the plan? What are we going to do once we get to Massachusetts? ” inquired Voight,  
“N-no we”   
“Well you see Matt that’s where your wrong, I’m not getting off this bus without you and it would be rude of you to abandon me in Massachusetts” remarked Voight in an even tone, Matt was getting more agitated by the second.  
“P-people need you in Chicago” stated Matt,  
“They need you too Matt”.  
“No I’m bad for them”.  
“You may be an amazing firefighter but sometimes you can be really stupid” retorted Hank earning a glare from Casey.  
“Casey you’re a bloody good leader, I know your crew admires you . Most importantly you’re Severide’s best friend, have you got any idea how much this will hurt him”.  
“H-he will get over it” Matt admitted sorrowfully,  
“Erin left ,Your fine now” reasoned Matt.  
“No I’m not fine, I’ll always miss her but I keep going” responded Hank.  
“And do you know what helped me cope with her leaving Matt ?” Asked Voight , as Matt tilted his head.  
“I knew that moving was the best thing for Erin, that it was what she wanted. You’re not happy about leaving, I know it , you know it , damn it even the lady sat behind us listening into our conversation knows it” replied in a firm voice.  
“Now lets get of this bus before we get too far” announced Voight. Matt gaped at the sergeant and reluctantly stood up following Hank to the front of the bus. They offered their apologies to the bus driver before watching the bus drive off into the distance. Matt started the somber walk back home. The distance wasn’t that large, they’d been on the bus for about twenty minutes and it didn’t go very fast , normally the distance wouldn’t bother Matt but his body was still very weak. 

The cold gnawed at Matt’s skin and his feet felt like they had been encased in concrete, pain jolted through him with every step and his body was slouching. They were halfway to the bus station when Matt felt Voight wrap an arm around him , the further they walked the more Casey leant on Voight, by the time they reached Voight’s car which was parked near the bus station Voight was practically carrying Casey.

Voight helped Casey into his apartment and immediately led the tired firefighter into his bedroom and settled him down on the bed, he pulled off Casey’s shoes and draped a thick blanket over his small huddled form. Voight headed into the kitchen intending to make himself a cup of coffee when he noticed an envelope on the kitchen table, Kelly had been scrawled on the front in wonky scruffy handwriting. Voight picked up the letter and collapsed into a nearby chair, he liked Matt he was a good man. Voight understood how jobs like his and Casey’s could destroy a person, especially when you were as selfless as Casey, after all the people who cared the most got hurt the most. Voight also knew how much Kelly cared for Matt, Voight considered hiding Matt’s run away attempt to protect Kelly but he knew he needed to know. If Voight was Kelly he’d want to know.

It was mid afternoon when Matt came shuffling out of his bedroom to find the sergeant sat on his sofa watching the tv,  
“What you doing here?” Slurred Matt.  
“Making sure you don’t go running off again” responded Voight keeping his eyes glued to the television.  
“But work”   
“No , we just finished a really long case. I was at the bus station dropping off an informant ” explained Voight.  
“How know running away?” queried Casey , his speech was heavy with sleep and his head felt foggy, running away turned out to be extremely emotionally draining.  
“You do know I’m a detective right”  
“Oh” replied Matt before moving towards the sofa , Matt went to flop down onto the sofa but misjudged the distance and landed on the floor with a surprised yelp. As he laid in a heap on the floor Matt realised how exhausted he really was , the nap in his room did nothing to ease his tiredness.  
“Matt are you ok?” Asked Voight immediately crouching down beside him,  
“Mmm tired” he responded honestly, there was no point lying to Voight, it was crystal clear he wasn’t fine.  
“Ok Matt I’m going to help you up now”  
“No” Matt protested weakly,  
“Matt I can’t leave you on the floor”.  
“Blanket p-p-please” requested Matt in a defeated voice.  
“Matt I’m not leaving you on the floor!”.  
“Pleassse”pleaded Casey , the floor was cool and his body ached too much to move. As Voight covered Matt with a fleecy blanket from the back of the sofa he regretted not texting Kelly , he thought he could look after Casey until the squad lieutenant’s shift finished , apparently he was wrong.   
“Do you need a pillow too?”  
“Nooo mm good” responded the lump on the floor. Voight couldn’t believe the absurdness of the situation, the man who helped put him in prison was asleep on the floor cocooned in a blanket looking like a weird gigantic caterpillar. Voight snapped to attention when he heard a knock at the door,  
He approached the door debating wether to answer it or not , he didn’t want to risk embarrassing the captain anymore.  
“Who is it?” Called out Hank,  
“It’s Will, is that you Voight?” Will asked confused,  
“No it’s the tooth fairy” he retorted opening the door.  
“Good to see you Hank” greeted Will rolling his eyes, before his annoyance morphed into anxiety.  
“What are you doing here Voight?” Asked Will alarmed, he was worried something really bad had happened, Matt had been closed off for weeks, he was worried the pain Casey was concealing had finally gotten too much.  
“I found Matt at the bus station attempting to run away” revealed Voight begrudgingly.  
“Oh , where is he?” asked Will looking around the apartment. Voight sighed and gestured to the mess of blankets on the floor. Will approached the pile of blankets sceptically ,  
“What do you mean? ... oh”   
“Yeah, he’s refusing to move”  
“Hey Matt it’s Will , is everything ok?” questioned Will kneeling next to Matt.  
“Mm trying sleep” groaned a disgruntled Matt poking his head out of the blankets glaring at Will.  
“You can’t sleep on the floor” stated Will.  
“Yesss I c-can” declared Matt before burrowing back into the blankets.   
“I’m going to call Kelly” announced Voight.  
“Good idea” agreed Will glancing at Matt again , the poor firefighter was just tired and fed up. Matt had lost everything , he didn’t care anymore about what people thought, he just wanted peace. He felt more relaxed than he had in a very long time,the floor was cold, the lighting wasn’t too bright , the sound of the pipes underneath the floor drowned out his thoughts and the dull ache from the hard floor numbed the pain in his heart, he felt safe. Voight and Will were out of their depths, Matt seemed so young curled up on the floor, the only person who could offer him comfort was his big brother ,Kelly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading hope you enjoyed.  
> Have a good day.  
> Sorry there was a lot of dialogue and not much plot.


	17. Realisations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can Kelly get through to Matt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy. Thanks for the comments.

Kelly rushed up the stairs as fast as he could, his mind was racing as he reached the door to his apartment. He’d received a cryptic phone call from Voight telling him Casey needed him immediately. A million different terrifying scenarios had popped into Kelly’s head as he contemplated the phone call during his drive home. He opened the front door and stumbled onto a peculiar scene. Will was led on the floor next to a mound of blankets , while Voight sat at the kitchen counter drinking coffee. The sergeant beckoned Kelly over to him.  
“What the hell is going on?” questioned Kelly panicked.  
“Shh , lower your voice or you'll give him a headache” warned Voight gesturing to the pile of blankets ,  
“I’ll give the pile of blankets a headache ” whispered Kelly exasperated.   
“No you idiot , Matt is under their ”. Kelly turned towards the blankets alarmed.  
“What’s going on Voight?” asked Kelly while he watched Will murmuring softly to the heap of blankets which were apparently concealing Matt.  
“I found him at the bus stop, he was running away, he thinks you’ll be better off without him ” explained Voight pausing to give Kelly chance to take it all in.  
“I convinced him to come home but he fell on the floor and now he won’t move” summarised Voight. Kelly felt sick, Matt had tried to leave , the blonde was in a darker place than he had realised.  
“He left you this” said Voight pressing the letter into Kelly’s hands,  
“Don’t read it until you calm him down first” advised Voight before placing his empty mug in the sink and strolling towards the door.  
“If you need anything just call, Bye Matt” Hank called before disappearing out the door. Kelly wanted to scream or cry but his first priority was looking after Matt. Kelly crouched down next to Will who was still led next to Casey.  
“He’s got a headache and he says he’s tired” whispered Will getting up so Kelly could take his place.   
“I don’t think it’s anything to do with the brain surgery” admitted Will.  
“He’s not coping well with everything that’s happened” sighed Kelly, he knew Matt was in a dark place but naively thought Matt would get better on his own but now he knew he was wrong.  
“He’s been through a lot. Look after him , ring me if you need anything” reminded Will heading for the door, he knew Matt was more likely to open up without him there.

Kelly waited for the sound of the door closing behind Will before speaking to Casey.  
“Hey buddy is everything alright?” Kelly questioned gently,  
“Mmm tired” moaned Matt , Kelly could see his messy patch of hair peeking out from the blanket burrito.  
“I know, why don’t we get you into bed so you can get a proper sleep?” Offered Kelly.  
“Noooo, t-t-tired of life. Everyone leaves” Matt admittedly brokenly.  
“Oh buddy, I know it hurts like hell right now but we’ll get through it together” comforted Kelly wrapping an arm around Matt. After a while Matt pushed Kelly’s arms off , then shifted the blankets slightly allowing Kelly to shuffle under them. Matt buried his head under the covers and Kelly tentatively stroked Matts arm lulling him into a deep sleep, the two best friends remained like that until the morning.

Kelly moaned slightly as he grabbed a cup of coffee off the side , his body ached all over after their night on the floor but he didn’t mind ; the dark bags that had been under Matt’s eyes the past few weeks had lightened slightly. The blonde was having a shower so Kelly took the opportunity to update Boden on what was happening , he didn’t tell him about Matt running away or his mental state, he simply told him that Matt would need Kelly at home for the next few shifts. Boden had told him not to worry and to take as much time as he needed.As Matt rejoined Kelly in the kitchen looking lost , Severide realised he had to take action.  
“Matt why don’t we go visit a friend?” Asked Kelly.  
“Who?” queried Matt even though he knew instantly who Kelly was talking about.  
“Dr Charles”,  
“Ok” responded Matt in a voice so quiet Kelly almost missed it. Matt didn’t care anymore about appearing strong or brave , nothing mattered to him anymore. He was broken, he’d lost too many people, felt too much pain to carry on as normal. He wanted to be a firefighter again, he wanted to find his purpose, maybe Dr Charles would be the right man to help. Kelly should have felt relieved that he didn’t have to argue with Matt but if anything he felt even more concerned, Matt had lost all his fight and determination, he was giving up.

It was late in the afternoon when Dr Charles appeared at the apartment, Matt had refused to go back to the hospital, he’d already spent too much time in that depressing sterile environment. Dr Charles was one of the most interesting people Kelly had ever met, Kelly didn’t understand how he managed to read people so well. If there was any one who could help Matt it was Dr Charles. Kelly went for a long walk while Matt and Dr Charles conversed. It was a bright sunny day but the world felt grey and empty. He missed his best friend, Kelly knew he would never get the old Matt back but he would do anything to see him smile again.

Kelly returned to find Matt and Charles watching a documentary on the tv, it wasn’t about bears but Matt was still happily engrossed in it. Matt’s eyes had began closing and he was slouching in his seat. Matt tired easily now and Kelly knew it was best to let the blonde fall asleep. Dr Charles draped a blanket over Matt before joining Kelly in the kitchen.  
“How is he?” Asked Kelly,  
“He’s in a dark place but with the right help and you by his side he’ll be ok”  
“I don’t know how to help him” croaked Kelly.  
“Just be there for him Kelly”  
“I’m not enough” gasped Severide.  
“Kelly you’ve been an amazing friend to Matt you’re his rock but you’re not alone. There’s lots of people around you who want to help both of you . I’ve made him an appointment with a really good friend of mine , I think he can help Matt” explained Dr Charles, Kelly nodded softly at the doctor.  
“Don’t forget to look after yourself too Kelly” reminded Doctor Charles.  
“Thank you for coming” ignoring Dr Charles’ advice.  
“I know everything seems pretty bleak right now but he wants to get better, for now just focus on the positives” Dr Charles encouraged.  
As Kelly sat down next to Matt he was hopeful, they had a tough road ahead but they would never be alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Sorry it’s so short I struggled writing this chapter.  
> Have a good day ; )


	18. A safe place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly will always be there for Matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter, thank you for reading the story so far.

Kelly’s heart felt heavy, ever since Dr. Charles had left Kelly had been on edge. He needed to scream , cry or punch a wall but he knew he couldn’t break down yet, he had to be there for Matt. Kelly’s thoughts were keeping him wide awake, it was the middle of the night , the apartment had been submerged in darkness and silence. He was perched on the edge of his bed holding Matt’s letter he felt like it was burning his hands, he was torn between throwing the letter or tearing it open and reading it. He wanted to know why Matt had attempted to run away but he was also petrified of what he might learn about his little brother.

Kelly felt a knot form in his stomach when he heard Matt noisily stumbling to the bathroom before closing the door behind him. Kelly wanted to rush straight to the bathroom to check Matt was ok but he knew if Matt began to feel suffocated he would push Matt away, after all Matt was probably just going to the toilet, there was no need to worry. After Matt had been in the bathroom for half an hour Kelly’s anxiousness won out and he gently knocked, there was no sound of running water or even movement coming from the room which made the knot in his stomach tighten.  
“Casey are you ok?” Called Kelly but he was met with silence.  
“Buddy please talk to me” ,when there was no response Kelly tried the door handle , he felt relief roll over him when the door opened. But his relief quickly disappeared as he was met with an unusual sight. Matt was sat in the bath, dressed in pyjamas with his duvet wrapped tightly around him, George resting on his lap and his head leant against the cool tiled wall. As Kelly approached Matt slowly he realised the blonde was fast asleep. He tentatively reached out and shook his shoulder.  
“Matty what are you doing?” Questioned Kelly in an amused voice as Matt sluggishly opened his eyes. As Casey innocently tilted his head at Kelly he resembled a little puppy who’d climbed into a cardboard box.  
“Comfy” slurred Matt , he may have spent the past few weeks sleeping but it was never peaceful. He was constantly tormented by the memories of the people he’d lost. He knew it was stupid but Matt felt safe in the bath. When his dad used to get angry he’d hide in the shower knowing his dad would never check there , Matt initially hid in his closet but after a while his dad took the door of its hinges to prevent him from seeking solitude there. Sometimes Matt would spend hours in the bath until Christie would find him and tell him it was safe to come out. As well as making him feel safe the bathroom was draughty, the cool air blowing on his clammy skin was soothing. Ever since his head injury he always felt like he was made of lava. 

Kelly huffed before leaving the room. He returned a few moments later carrying his own duvet and pillow. Kelly sprawled out next to the bath listening contently to Matt’s steady breathing , it reminded him of when he and Andy were kids. One year he spent a few weeks with Andy because his dad had left and his mum wasn’t doing too good, Andy had been convinced there was a ghost in the attic, they slept in the attic every day for a week until Andy’s mum found out. He remembered the thrill of lying in the attic wrapped in blankets hoping for something supernatural to appear. Kelly beamed at the memory but he also felt a pang of sadness in his heart. Kelly often wondered what Matt was like as a child , Kelly hoped Matt had a friend like Andy to get him through his turbulent childhood ; sadly Kelly knew he and Andy were Matt’s first proper friends. Kelly drifted off to sleep imagining a young Matt messing around in the attic ,climbing trees or playing baseball with friends, it was easier to imagine that there was a time when Matt was carefree, instead of accepting the truth that the weight of the world had been crushing Matt his entire life.

When Kelly gradually came around it took him a few minutes to remember why he was in the bathroom. It wasn’t the first time Kelly had spent the night on the bathroom floor but it was the first time he was sober, snuggled under his duvet and clad in pyjamas. Kelly stumbled to his feet and glanced at Matt’s sleeping form, his messy patch of hair was sprawled over his head , short blonde fuzz had started to surround the scar marring his skin but his face looked fuller now, he was on the long road to recovery.The blonde was still extremely frail but thankfully he was no longer skinnier than a pole. 

Kelly softly hummed to himself as he returned his duvet and pillow to his room when he saw something that caused him to freeze, Matt’s letter was lying on the bed. After nervously pacing feeling like his heart was about to burst out of his chest, he grabbed the envelope and tore it open. His hands were fiercely shaking as he pulled out a photo of him, Andy and Matt , it was from the first firefighter picnic they went too. They were young and hadn’t been worn down by the harsh realities of the job yet. With shaky hands Kelly turned over the photo to reveal Matt’s messy handwriting, his writing used to be as neat as the text in a book but since his brain injury it had become shaky and childlike.

Dear Kelly,  
I’m sorry. I can’t bury another brother. I have to go, everyone I love dies.  
Live your life Kelly, tell Stella how you feel about her, become a captain, reconcile with your father but don’t look for me. If you really care about me then please let me go. I’m broken , I don’t want you to get hurt trying to fix me. I’m not your responsibility Kelly.  
I love you Kelly you’re my brother but it’s time for me to leave.  
Take care, I’m sorry.  
From your little brother Matty.

Kelly stared mournfully at the letter, how could such a short letter hold so much pain and guilt , Kelly knew it must have taken ages to write as Matt still struggled with remembering words. It must have been a painstaking process. Kelly wished the letter was about Matt no longer needing him, he wished the blonde had tried to leave because he needed a fresh start, an opportunity to start a new life. But Matt was going to leave because he thought Kelly would be better off. Kelly mentally scalded himself , how did Matt not know how much Kelly needed him? Had Kelly not told him enough how much he meant to him? However Kelly also knew no matter what nice things he said to Matt the blonde would always remember how Kelly had blamed him for Andy’s death. How Kelly had turned his back on him, Kelly had called the blonde toxic and selfish, he’d told Matt that he ruined everything he touched.  
Tears were stinging Kelly’s eyes , two words in Matts letter were stabbing at his heart “I’m broken” Kelly knew Matt believed it too, how do you help someone who believes they’re broken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading the story so far.  
> I promise there will be some happier moments soon.  
> Have a great day : )


	19. The visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelly’s not the only one who cares about Matt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments, thanks for reading the story so far.

A few days had passed since Kelly had read Matt’s letter, the blonde still insisted on sleeping in the bathroom and Matt had refused to talk about his runaway attempt. On the bright side Matt had started seeing the psychiatrist Dr Charles recommended as well as his speech therapist . Dr Walker was a good friend of Charles, Kelly trusted Walker could help Matt. Casey never talked about his sessions but Kelly was relieved Matt was going on his own accord, Kelly didn’t think he had the energy to force Matt there. Kelly was watching tv , it was a quiet day as Matt didn’t have any appointments. Kelly glanced at his watch it was two in the afternoon , however Matt still hadn’t made an appearance in the main living area, the blonde had remained curled up in the bath refusing to move. After a morning of bickering Kelly had given up on trying to get the younger firefighter to move. He’d called Dr Charles asking what he should do , the psychiatrist had told him not to push Matt or get annoyed with him, the best thing to do was to let him know he was there for Matt and he would be there when Casey was ready to talk. 

A knock at the door pulled Kelly’s attention away from the television. Kelly moved rapidly trying to reach the door before the visitor had a chance to knock again, Severide knew that since the brain surgery loud noises really bothered Matt. Kelly opened the door and found himself met with a friendly smile,  
“Chief what are you doing here?”  
“I wanted to check on two of my best firefighters” replied Boden.  
“Come on in” insisted Kelly stepping aside to allow the older man inside.  
“Where’s Matt?” Asked Boden trying to hide the concern in his voice as he glanced around the apartment.  
“He’s um , it’s complicated” sighed Kelly collapsing defeatedly on the sofa. Boden frowned but nodded in understanding.  
“He’s not doing well right now but he wants to get better, he wants to come back to fifty one”  
“Good but only when he’s ready and you know if either of you ever need anything I’m happy to help and so is everyone else at fifty one” assured Boden.  
“Thanks chief”. Boden reached out and gave Kelly a short hug, both men watched the tv for a while, the presence of the older man made Kelly feel less helpless and lost.  
“Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” Boden innocently asked after a while.  
“Umm give me one second” replied Kelly before running off to the bathroom leaving behind a puzzled Boden.

Matt didn’t even bother to poke his head out of the blankets when Kelly came rushing into the bathroom.Matt was wide awake he had been since five in the morning but the bath was comfy and safe, he didn’t have any reason to leave, so why should he abandon the solitude of the bathroom?  
“Matty you need to get out of the bath” pleaded Kelly.  
“No , told you comfy here” grunted Matt.  
“Boden’s here” informed Kelly but Matt’s expression remained the same .  
“Tell him running” suggested Casey.  
“Can’t, I told him the situation was complicated when he asked where you were but now he needs to use the bathroom” explained Kelly feeling his frustration increasing.  
“Pull c-curtain”,  
“For god sake Matt, you don’t think he’ll notice the human shaped shadow on the curtain”  
“S-s-hould live in apartment two bathrooms” moaned Matt leaning his head against the cool tiles.  
“Well we can’t move now Matt” retorted Kelly exasperated.  
“N-n-not leaving”,  
“Look Matt I’ve given you space but now my hands are tied, If I tell him he can’t use the bathroom he’ll get suspicious. If he comes in here I can’t hide you”.  
“F-f-fine let him in , close curtain” murmured Matt burrowing deeper in the blankets.  
“But he’ll know your here”  
“D-d-don’t care bout that, just don’t wanna watch him pee” moaned Matt , he didn’t care about the world outside the bathroom door anymore, caring was too tiring and agonising. If boden thought he was strange it didn’t matter to Matt. Kelly stared bewilderedly at his friend, he just wanted to help Matt but he was at a loss. He was prepared for Matt pretending to be fine or even hysterical crying ; this complete lack of motivation to do anything was unexpected and agonising to watch. It was as if Matt’s batteries had run out.

Kelly sheepishly shuffled out of the bathroom,  
“Matt is having a rough time but he’s seeing people about it ” stated Kelly earning a confused look from Boden, he couldn’t work out how that related to him needing the bathroom. Boden entered the bathroom and did his business, he was busy washing his hands when he sensed another presence in the bathroom, cautiously Boden peeled back the dark blue shower curtain.  
“H-h-hi chief” greeted Matt drowsily with his head tilted as he flashed Boden a dopey smile. Boden stared blankly at Matt, the whole situation was surreal, his fierce captain was sat in a bath tub in a blanket burrito.  
“Kelly” called Boden as he came to his senses. Kelly popped his head into the bathroom, he’d been waiting in the hall expecting Boden to call for him.  
“What’s the problem chief?” Asked Kelly nonchalantly, the whole situation was far from funny but it had been a long week, Kelly deserved to have a tiny bit of fun.  
“P-problem? you ok chief?” Questioned a worried Matt.  
“I’m fine Casey, so what’s going on Matt is everything alright with you?” Inquired Boden.  
“Yep” Matt replied popping the p.  
“How about we all go into the living room and watch a film or just talk?” Asked Kelly calmly,  
“Talk here” responded Matt, Boden sighed and his shoulders sagged. Matt was still Matt, he was stoic and stubborn but the feelings he’d buried deep down were beginning to resurface , which was a good thing as long as Matt let Kelly help him. Matt had been dealing with things on his own for far too long.  
“Why are you in the bath?” Asked Boden.  
“Safe.World is dark, hurts too much” Matt stated softly.  
“You can’t stop living Matt” admonished Kelly.  
“Not lived since H-hallie , only existing” admitted Matt sadly.  
“Oh Matt” sighed Kelly. Meanwhile Boden lowered himself down onto the floor next to Matt.  
“Casey look at me” requested Boden gently but instead Casey stared down at his lap, tentatively Boden reached out and cupped Matt’s face forcing him to meet his eyes.  
“You’re a good firefighter Matt and an even better person. But we’ve let you down Casey” declared Boden pausing as Matt murmured a soft no. They were his family they’d never let him down, he didn’t deserve a family but they had been there for him.  
“Yes Matt we did. You’ve been through hell Matt but you still turned up to fifty one every shift , you were a strong leader and were there for your team whenever they needed you, but you’ve been closed off. Deep down we knew you were in pain but we didn’t want to admit that you needed help. You were our rock and the thought of loosing that stability was terrifying, so we buried our heads in the sand and let you continue to pretend you were ok” Boden stated hoping the two younger men would ignore the cracks in his voice.   
“Not your fault” murmured Matt , he hated the fact he’d cause Boden pain , he was the closest thing he had to a father. Boden reached out to give Matt’s shoulder a squeeze but suddenly he found himself hugging tightly onto Matt as he awkwardly leaned over the bath.  
“We’re here for you now Matt, it’s ok to not be ok. You can throw things , cry , scream, we’ll be here no matter what. Recovery is not going to be easy , nothing worth doing is, but we’ll be here with you” comforted Boden.

Kelly drowsily trudged into the kitchen, Matt had slept in the bath again , Kelly hated leaving him there but his body ached too much for him to sleep on the floor again. Kelly was enveloped in shock when he came face to face with Matt, the blonde was fully dressed and sat at the dining table contently spooning cereal into his mouth.  
“Hey Matt”,  
“Hi Kel, going library later , wanna come?” asked Matt quirking a smile at the baffled look on Kelly’s face.  
“Sure I’ll go get changed”.

Kelly browsed at the books half heartedly, he wasn’t much of a reader as he could never find the right book to sink his teeth into. Shay used to try and encourage him to read , she’d force him to read her favourite books so she’d have someone to talk to about them. Kelly wasn’t that fussed on the books but the excited look on Shay’s face as she rambled on was worth it. He missed their mini book club.  
Matt walked towards Kelly gripping tightly on to two books.  
“Ready” declared Matt before heading to check the books out.   
After they left the library and climbed into Kelly’s car Matt gazed at him for a few minutes before slowly opening his mouth,  
“Go see Andy and Hallie” requested Matt. Kelly had anticipated that instruction, silently they made the long journey. Luckily Andy and Hallie were permanently resting in the same cemetery , it didn’t sound lucky to have your best friend and fiancé buried in the same place when you were still young but he was grateful for the silver lining. 

Kelly stood silently as Matt sat crossed legged in front of Hallie’s grave stone and began reading one of the books,  
“W-w-when he was nearly t-thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badl-l-ly broken at the elbow” began Matt, his heart became lighter and lighter as he continued reading, Hallie loved how to kill a mockingbird, after a tough shift she would read it out loud lulling them both to sleep. Matt always brought a book with him whenever he visited the loved ones he had lost but it had been a while , he silently cursed himself for not visiting sooner. Reading books that reminded him of his loved ones made him feel a connection to them without him having to talk about his messy life. He remembered the first time he visited his dad’s grave, he was angry at the world and in a whirlwind of emotion he’d taken off in the middle of maths class. As he stood in front of the grave he was consumed by rage and guilt he threw his trusty school bag to the floor, as he aggressively kicked at it his belongings spilled out of the battered bag. After he calmed down he scrambled to the floor to pick up the fallen items, As his fingers brushed over his copy of the outsiders he felt the urge to read it, he picked it up gingerly before turning to the first page. The further he got through the book the closer he felt too his father , he never knew what to say to his dad even when he was alive but silently standing over the grave felt wrong , from then on reading became his coping mechanism, Kelly would probably say it was his only coping mechanism , normally Matt resorted to not addressing the problem.

After he’d read a few chapters of how to kill a mockingbird he placed a hand on Hallie’s gravestone, whispered a soft “I will always love you” then he moved to Andy’s grave stone and pulled out the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy . Andy had recommended it to Matt countless times before he died but Matt had never gotten around to reading it.   
Matt dreaded the day he ran out of ideas of what books to read to his friends,

As they left the cemetery Matt’s body felt lighter ; his brain felt less foggy.  
Matt was far from ok , his speech was slurred and he was distant but his visit to the cemetery proved he hadn’t given up yet. Matt was a fighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, have a great day.  
> I’m sorry I’ve been quite harsh on Matt, things will get better soon , it just doesn’t feel right to skip through his recovery and have everything go well.  
> But I hope you still liked it.


	20. A brighter future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colour is beginning to return to Matt’s world again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the story so far and thank you for the supportive comments, I really appreciate them.

Kelly scrubbed a hand across his face in frustration , all evening Matt had been insisting he didn’t need Kelly to drive him to his appointments anymore, stating he was fully capable of walking or catching the bus. But Kelly was apprehensive about letting Matt out of his sight three times a week, what if something spooked Matt and he took off, after all Voight wouldn’t always be there to bring him home.  
“Not child”snapped Casey, causing Kelly to sigh. Matt was right , he couldn’t follow him around for the rest of his life, Kelly had to show Matt he trusted him but after everything they’d been through it was difficult to let go.  
“Matt I don’t know”,  
“No fits” pointed out Matt, he hadn’t had a seizure since the drive back from the cabin, but that wasn’t what Kelly was worried about. However Kelly knew if he didn’t let go of Matt now he never would,  
“Ok but ring me when you get there” pleaded Kelly earning a large smile from Matt.

Since Kelly had agreed to give Matt more independence the blonde had attended all his appointments by himself. The blonde seemed happier and even though he still slept in the bath he no longer spent all day in the bathroom on the days he had no appointments. Kelly was even considering going back to fifty one next week. He had also tried to persuade Matt to visit Molly’s with him but he refused, as much as Kelly hated Matt cutting himself off from everyone at fifty one, he understood why the blonde wanted to keep his distance. Matt hated showing vulnerability to anyone especially to the people he was supposed to lead. Fortunately Casey still accepted visits from Cindy and Will, therefore the blonde wasn’t isolating himself from everyone.

Kelly opened the apartment door and dumped two full bags on the counter , as Matt was at therapy Kelly had taken the opportunity to go grocery shopping. Kelly glanced around the living room but there was so sight of Matt. As Kelly walked further into the apartment he heard a loud bang come from the bathroom, he raced towards the sound as fast as his feet would allow him, his heart was hammering viciously in his chest.  
“Matt is everything ok?” he called as he reached the door,  
“Yep” replied Matt sounding flustered.  
“I’m coming in” yelled Kelly shakily pushing down on the handle.  
“What on earth?” Gasped Kelly as he took in the scene in front of him.  
“Kelly meet Duncan” announced Matt gesturing to the soggy black and white border collie sat innocently in the bath. Matt was also drenched in water and there was a puddle on the floor which Kelly hoped was water.  
“Where did you find Duncan?” Asked Kelly puzzled, his worry had evaporated and was replaced by a warm glow as he stared at the cute pup looking at him with eyes full of innocence and love.  
“Animal shelt-t-ter”,  
“Why were you at the animal shelter Matt?”  
“Wanna help” responded Matt as he pulled out the bath plug and grabbed a large towel off the side.  
“You’re helpin’ me, I help Duncan” explained Matt scooping the dog into his arms. Duncan was not small by any means and Kelly imagined he wasn’t very light either. Matt was panting heavily as his arms began to ache but the content look in Duncan’s eyes urged him to pull the dog tighter to his chest .  
“Ok, well it’s nice to meet you Duncan” laughed Kelly following Matt and his new friend into the living room.  
“I guess I need to go shopping again” chuckled Kelly as he pulled out a piece of paper and started making a list of all the things they would need.

Once again Kelly entered the apartment carrying shopping bags but instead of food this time they were full of everything a dog could ever want. Duncan had only lived with them for a few hours but toys were already scattered across the apartment and a big plump dog bed was placed next to the sofa.Kelly quietly observed as Matt petted the black and white dog led fast asleep on him. Duncan was about eleven years old but he still had a bright youthfulness in his eyes. Kelly was hopeful that the new addition to their unconventional family would help lure the blonde out of his shell.  
“Thank god the landlord loves animals” murmured Kelly as he reached over to scratch behind Duncan’s ears.  
“How did he end up at the shelter Matt?” he asked curiously.  
“Owner died, all alone” replied Matt sullenly.  
“Well he’s definitely not alone now” responded Kelly.The pup already had a dark blue collar situated round his neck. Suddenly something occurred to Kelly, he hated to dampen the mood but he would have to bring it up eventually.  
“Matt what are we going to do when we both go back to work?”  
“Mrs D-d-daley loves dogs” responded Matt referring to the old lady who lived downstairs.  
“Wow Matt you really thought this though, how long have you been planning this?”, Matt blushed slightly and gazed down at Duncan.  
“M-m-marley and me” admitted Matt softly. After their trip to the cemetery Kelly had suggested they watch a film, he had put on Marley and me hoping watching a light hearted film about a dog would boost Matt’s spirits, how was Kelly supposed to know the film was an emotional rollercoaster? When the film had ended both men were left staring sombrely at the tv screen.However that was two weeks ago. Kelly had noticed a thoughtful look on Matt’s face since that day but he had attributed it to Boden’s visit and the trip to the cemetery. But he now realised the blonde had been plotting this the entire time.  
“Well that was a very compelling film”chuckled Kelly.

That night Kelly had woken up to go to the bathroom but as he entered the room the sight he’d grown accustomed to was gone, the bath was empty. Kelly anxiously searched the apartment but when he reached Matt’s room he immediately stopped in his tracks. Casey was snuggled under the covers with Duncan snoring softly next to him.  
“Good job boy” praised Kelly as the collie sleepily opened an eye. He couldn’t believe in one night Duncan accomplished what he had been trying to do for over a month. Kelly was surprised Matt’s back wasn’t in pieces, he was extremely grateful the blonde was no longer sleeping awkwardly.

A few days had passed since Duncan’s arrival and Kelly was heading back to work, he felt a lot more comfortable leaving Matt this time. The blonde still had days where he’d barely talk and wore a deep sorrowful look on his face but he was no longer hiding away from the world. Matt and Duncan went on long daily walks, which made both of them look more relaxed when they returned. Matt was sleeping better now and spent significantly less time watching tv, instead he spent most of the day entertaining Duncan.

Kelly was sat at the squad table playing cards with Capp and Tony. It was the afternoon and so far they’d had a really busy shift. Everyone was glad he was back and they had all asked him how Casey was doing, he gave his usual answer that Matt was working through some stuff but was on the road to recovery. 

Severide was about to surrender to Capp when he heard a loud bark.  
“Duncan!”greeted Kelly shocked as the collie ran towards him, the eager dog was being closely followed by Matt. The blonde seemed to shrink in on himself as the rest of squad noticed him, you could still see the scar marring his skin as the hair around it was quite patchy and short.  
Matt was also apprehensive about speaking, he wasn’t sure how they would react, only hermann and Boden had heard him speak since the surgery.  
“Hey Casey” called Brett spotting the blonde heading towards them, soon after the crew of truck 81 were circling around him. Kelly moved quickly , he stood firmly next to the blonde to offer him his silent support sensing how overwhelmed Matt was feeling.  
“Give him some space guys” yelled Herrmann, Matt flashed him a grateful smile. 

Matt relaxed as he found himself in the familiar comfort of the common room. Duncan settled himself on Matt’s lap as Brett and Kidd bent down to fuss the sleeping pooch. Casey listened contently as his crew babbled on about the past few weeks. When the conversation began to lapse into silence Casey worked up the courage to ask the question that had been on his mind since he stepped foot in the firehouse .  
“Ever see N-n-noah’s parents” asked Casey, he wished he had been able to attend the funeral, he was with Noah when he took his last breath, he should have been there to pay his respects . Everyone exchanged panicked looks trying to decide whether to lie or not, Hermann knew Matt deserved the truth and that handling the Captain with kid gloves wouldn't do him any good.  
“Actually the dad came around shortly after the accident, he was looking for you. We told him we’d contact him when you were better” revealed Herrmann carefully observing the younger firefighters reaction but Casey’s remained impassive.  
“Numb-b-ber” questioned Matt, wordlessly Herrmann pulled out his phone and copied the number down onto a piece of paper before handing it to Matt.  
“It’s good to see you doing well captain ” admitted Herrmann patting Matt’s shoulder. He really thought they were going to loose Matt this time. Herrmann had been watching Casey carefully for a while, the younger firefighter had been suppressing all his emotions for years, Herrmann knew one day it would all become too much for Matt.  
“Hope not t-t-too happy in charge, back soon” stated Matt smiling at his Herrmann, he had really missed his crew but he hated them seeing him when he was so weak and fragile, he felt exposed in front of them. He was beginning to feel overwhelmed by their intense glances and eyes full of worry.Thankfully the alarm sounded and they all rushed out of the room, Matt had to stop himself from following, it was weird being left behind. It felt wrong, after all Matt knew his place on earth would always be on truck 81.

-

Kelly was watching Matt carefully, they were sat in a local diner getting breakfast . Casey had met Kelly outside when the squad lieutenant’s shift ended, sadly without Duncan this time. As Kelly tucked into his breakfast Casey nervously tapped the table. After breakfast they were going to head to Noah’s parents house. Kelly’s stomach was aggressively twisting into knots, Matt had been making so much progress , Kelly was petrified that this visit would set him back. However Kelly also knew that this could be the closure Matt so desperately needed. Casey had accepted his mother’s death when they scattered her ashes but Casey had barely addressed the little boys death.

Matt’s hands were clammy and his heart was racing as he followed Noah’s mother Laura into the living room. The walls were bare and the house lacked anything of sentimental value, cardboard boxes were piled in the corners of the rooms and the rooms were dark.  
“Please sit down” Laura insisted as she gestured to the brand new sofa in the middle of the room.  
“I’m sorry, we uh we haven’t got round to unpacking yet”  
“It’s ok”slurred Matt anxiously bouncing his leg up and down.  
“We’ve been living here a while now but it’s never going to be home, not without Noah” explained Noah’s father Daniel as he tried hard to keep his expression calm.  
“How are you?” Laura asked as she took in Matt’s battered head.  
“Good” Matt responded feeling embarrassed at his appearance. The three hurt adults stared at each other for a long torturous moment.  
“We need to know, how was he? Was he in pain? Was he afraid?” Asked Laura her voice cracking painfully. Dark bags were under her eyes and her bod was slouched defeatedly.  
“N-n-no pain, t-talked bout space. Told me gonna be ast-t-tro-naut-t” explained Matt hating how hard it was to talk. He remembered every word Noah said but his scrambled brain wouldn’t co-operate, they deserved to know their sons last words but Matt couldn’t even offer them that, he’d failed them in a lot of ways. Noah’s distraught parents broke down crying.  
“Mmm sorry” croaked Matt as Daniel pulled Laura into a hug while she sobbed, slowly Matt rose to leave when the devastated Laura reached out and grabbed his arm.  
“Thank you for being there with him, keeping him company” she rasped out her eyes were full of pain but Matt could hear the sincerity in her voice.  
“I’m glad he wasn’t alone” admitted Daniel staring off into the distance. Guilt swirled violently in his chest, it would of been easier if they screamed at him , blamed him for everything. They weren’t supposed to be nice, they weren’t supposed to thank him, he’s the reason their son died, why were they being so nice?Tears stung Matt’s eyes as he stumbled out of the house.

Kelly was busy making dinner when Matt slowly walked into the kitchen,  
“Hey Matt, everything alright” asked Kelly, the blonde had been silent all night.  
“Didn’t say bye, don’t wanna for-r-rget Noah” slurred Matt. He didn’t want Noah to be just another victim, he’d held onto the small boy, Matt was the last person Noah had ever seen or spoken to, he was there during his final moments. Noah deserved to be remembered.  
“Have you got an idea how to honour his memory?” Inquired Kelly sensing the blonde already had something in mind.

-

“Are you sure now Matt?” Queried Kelly for the hundredth time, he understood that Matt wanted to remember Noah in his own way but he also didn’t want the blonde to regret this when he was in a better place emotionally. He even asked Charles what he thought about it but the psychiatrist said to convince Casey to wait a couple of weeks to think it through. If Casey still insisted then he should support the blondes decision as it obviously wasn’t an impulsive guilt ridden move. After two weeks Matt hadn’t changed his mind.  
“Yessss, sure” gritted Casey growing tired of Kelly’s over protectiveness.  
“I just don’t want you to regret it later” reasoned Kelly.  
“Need do this” declared Matt.  
“ It just doesn’t seem like you Case”,  
“Mm different now”  
“Ok then if this is what you want I’ll support you”. Kelly was learning that he couldn’t control Casey to prevent him from making mistakes or getting hurt but he could be there for him every step of the way.

Casey stepped out of the shower and stared into the mirror, the scar on his head was now barely visible as the short blonde straggly hair flopped over the scar hiding it. He then moved his eyes from his head to look intently at his arm. It had taken six hours of sitting still enduring pain but it was nothing compared to what he’d already been through this year. Now covering his upper left arm was a tattoo of an astronaut, he would carry the guilt of loosing Noah forever but now he’d also carry Noah’s happiness and dreams. Matt was lucky he’d achieved his life long dream of becoming a firefighter , it was the only thing that kept him going and stopped him from heading down the wrong path when he was growing up. The astronaut was a reminder to not give up on his future, there would be more people like Noah that was inevitable but if there was a chance one less person would have to grieve for a loved one Matt would take it, so as he stared in the mirror he vowed that by this time next year he’d be back at fifty one. Matt would never be the same again he was different, but he wasn’t broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
> After being extremely harsh on Matt for the entire story I thought he deserved a little bit of happiness.  
> However Matt still has a long recovery ahead of him but with his family supporting him he will be ok.  
> Don’t worry I’ll try to keep a better balance of happy and sad moments in the future.  
> Thanks again, hope you have a great day.


	21. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt needs to socialise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and commenting  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Matt and Will were peacefully strolling through a local park, Duncan was ahead of them excitedly retrieving the blue ball one of the men had thrown.  
“How work?” Asked Matt, he felt free in the fresh air, all his thoughts and worries seemed to disappear.  
“Work was good, we managed to save a father of three. He’ll get watch his children grow up” explained Will with a warm smile.  
“Good-d” replied Matt as the excitable collie bounded towards them.  
“I see you and Duncan have become super attached to each other , but any problems? Any chewed up shoes or presents left behind?” Queried Will chuckling slightly as he imagined how Kelly would react if he stepped in something brown stinky and squishy.  
“N-n-nope, house trained. Good dog” he announced proudly taking the ball and throwing it for Duncan. Will smiled softly, the blondes aim was exceptional and the ball soared rapidly through the air, it proved that physically the blonde was in really good health. He’d also noticed Matt’s athletic figure had started to return, Kelly had told him that Casey had been running a lot lately, maybe even a little too much. Matt had gone from one extreme to another, never going out to barely staying at home.

“He’s a cute dog Matt, he’s lucky to have you” observed Will watching the pleasant interaction between Matt and his furry friend.  
“No, mm lucky have him” stated Matt, Duncan was a precious innocent animal who brightened his world, Matt would never know what he did to deserve the loyal canine.  
“How are you doing Matt?”  
“Ok, t-t-taking it w-w one day at a time” admitted Matt, he often disagreed with Dr Walker but the one piece of advice he agreed with was that Matt couldn’t control the future or change the past, instead of dwelling on things he couldn’t change he should just take everything one step at a time, focus on the small things. Admittedly Matt believed he liked Dr Walker but he still believed he didn’t need the therapist. His father would have been extremely ashamed of him if he knew he couldn’t even handle his problems or emotions on his own.  
“That’s good Matt, your speech is getting better”  
“N-n-not really”, his speech therapist had said the same but Matt thoroughly disagreed, he was a captain in the CFD but he spoke like a six year old.  
“It is Matt, it may not be improving as fast as you would like but you really are making progress” Will insisted.  
“Normally only last week after accid-d-dent” Moaned Casey, he had speech difficulties before after head injuries but they never lasted this long.  
“Yeah but you don’t normally have to have your skull cut open because of a bleed on the brain Matt. We were close to loosing you.”  
“D-d-didn’t r-realise” whispered Matt, he didn’t actually know what had happened to him during his hospital visit, those days were a miserable blur.  
“It doesn’t matter now Casey you pulled through, you’re doing really good”.  
“So I heard there’s a party at Mollys this weekend for Herrmann’s birthday” said Will steering the conversation to a lighter subject.  
“Not allowed bring Duncan” Matt complained.  
“Well you don’t need Duncan, me and Kelly will be there” assured Will.  
“Not same. Don’t wanna see everyone” announce Matt. Moly’s would be teeming with people, after all everyone loved Herrmann.  
“Why Matt they all care about you?”  
“All act weird, never talk about work worried make me feel bad. Miss stories. Only talk bout weather or sport” replied Matt failing to hide his annoyance.  
“I guess we have been walking on eggshells”.  
“Not weak” Casey declared.  
“We know that Matt it’s just we understand that you’re missing work, we didn’t want to rub it in your face. But no one thinks you’re weak Matt. You’ve been through absolute hell the last few months, most people wouldn’t have coped as well as you did”  
“D-didn’t cope, Slept in bath, stopped talking most people, e-even carried by voight” replied Matt his face heating up as he remembered the sergeant helping him home.  
“But you’re still here Matt”.

Casey lingered outside Molly’s, he could hear his heart beating in his ears and his palms were becoming sweaty.  
“D-d-don’t think can do this” whimpered Matt as he looked at Kelly fearfully.  
“Can you give it a go for me Matt? As soon as you feel upset or overwhelmed just turn to me and ask for a glass of orange juice, then I’ll make up an excuse and get us out of there”promised Kelly.  
“Ok, thank you Sev” replied Matt as he summed up the courage the push open the door.  
As soon as Matt stepped into the chaotic bar loud jovial voices assaulted his ears, he remained standing rigidly by the door , he was suffocating in the noise. Matts breathing begun to speed up when someone called out his name.  
“Matt over here” yelled Will beckoning Casey over to him , Will was sat at a small table in the corner of the room out of the way of the hustle and bustle of the bar. Matt had a feeling that Will had chosen that table with Matt in mind, he hated putting people out of their way but Matt was immensely grateful.  
“I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show” remarked Will lightheartedly as Matt and Kelly sat down.  
“Cons-sid-d-dered it” admitted Matt,  
“Can’t say I blame you” Boden chimed in as he approached the table.  
“I hate these things, no one wants their boss at the party”.  
“Nah chief we love having you here” responded Kelly.  
“More than boss, family” stated Matt sincerely.  
“Thanks boys. Let me buy the first round, what can I get you?” Asked Boden. As the chief headed to the bar to grab their drinks Matt found himself staring off into the distance as Kelly and Will launched into conversation. He never minded having long conversations with Kelly or Will but with everyone else listening in Matt could only manage a sentence or two at a time before he was consumed with embarrassment. Apart from Boden no one from fifty one had come over yet, Matt had caught them casting glances at him now and then; they were keeping their distance. Matt knew it was because they didn’t want to crowd him but he wished things would go back to normal. Before Matt’s surgery he never had a moment to stop and breathe during their parties, different people were constantly coming up to him. Otis would come over making jokes as Cruz followed behind him laughing, Sylvie would babble about her newest project whether it was house hunting or writing a novel,Herrmann would angrily complain about something and Kidd would try to act nonchalant while her and Kelly would stare at each other longingly. He missed the time when they weren’t constantly afraid of upsetting him. Eventually Herrmann approached their quiet table,  
“Hey happy birthday”cheered Boden and Kelly in unison,  
“Happy b-b-birthday” replied Matt feeling embarrassed at his delayed response.  
“Hey glad you came Captain” responded Herrmann clapping Matt on the back. As everyone broke into happy conversation their voices became louder and louder until Matt couldn’t hear himself think. He was desperate to leave, he wanted to be at home with Duncan flat out on his lap while he watched a film with Kelly. But the smile on his friends face prevented him from leaving, Matt didn’t want to be responsible for ruining Kelly’s night.

Kelly was grinning from ear to ear as he listened to Boden's story of how he met Herrmann, Kelly was also happy that he had manage to persuade Matt to do something sociable. The blonde had been exercising excessively for the past week, he would walk Duncan twice a day ; he also went running up to three times a day. Kelly was concerned Matt was pushing himself too far, however he was also worried that Matt was running in order to avoid his feelings, he was petrified of Matt returning to his old habit of suppressing his emotions.  
As Kelly glanced at Casey he realised the blonde had a distant look in his eyes and his mouth was pulled in a tight line, he should have known Matt would never tell him when he was struggling.  
“Hey does anyone want another drink?” Asked Kelly earning mumbles of no thank yous from the other men.  
“What about you Matt do you want a glass of orange juice?”  
“N-no mm fine” Matt replied causing Kelly to shoot him a sceptical look.  
“W-w-well if you d-don’t mind, yesss p-please” responded Matt honestly.  
“Course it’s ok” replied Kelly heading to the bar, he was too busy trying to think up an excuse to leave he didn’t notice Will following him until the doctor place a hand on his shoulder.  
“Hey Kelly, I’m guessing Matt is ready to leave”.  
“Yeah, he wanted to leave discreetly, he thinks if everyone sees him struggling they’ll see him as a weak , you and I both know they’ll never see Matt as weak but he is extremely stubborn. I promised I’d help him out of here”  
“But you can’t think of an excuse”  
“Yeah”  
“It’s alright I’ve got an idea”.

“Hey Wills not feeling so good, Jay brought him here but he’s still talking with Upton apparently they had a rough case. I volunteered to drop him home. Sorry Matt we’ve got to go” apologised Kelly.  
“T-that’s ok” responded Matt.  
After they exchanged goodbyes with the older men then stepped outside and headed towards Kelly’s car Matt was dizzy with relief. He had never anticipated the night to go well, maybe he could return to normal life after all. Will was talking to Jay who was retrieving something from his car, the detective handed his brother the package before heading back inside.  
“Hey” called out will running towards Kelly’s car.  
“T-thanks Will, sorry leave early ”.  
“It’s ok Matt I don’t mind” replied Will, he was pretty sure Boden and Hermann knew they were leaving because Matt was overwhelmed but they played along in an attempt to make the blonde feel better.  
“It actually works out quite well for me, Kelly giving me a ride home means I’m not cramping Jays style” smirked Will.

The drive home was peaceful and cheerful, it was extremely different from the last time the three of them had been in the car together. Sitting in the front seat as Matt fought against sleep in the back was definitely better than holding Matt while he seized. Matt really had come along way, Will was proud of the firefighter, he also admired Kelly for how well he had coped looking after Matt.  
As Kelly parked outside the house Will thanked Kelly and peered into the back happy to see Matt was still awake. Will hopped out of the car at the same time as Matt, the firefighter was about to stumble into the front seat when Will stopped him.  
“Hey there was actually another reason I was happy to leave with you guys. I found this the other day while me and Natalie were at the local book store, think of it as a thank you. That day I lost the little girl felicity I was heading for rock bottom, but you were there for me Matt. Thank you” explained Will placing the package he’d been holding into Matt’s hand. It was rectangular shaped and wrapped neatly in brown paper.  
“B-b-but help me lot”  
“Matt you’ve helped everyone around you more than you can ever know” replied Will as he waved goodbye to Kelly and headed to his apartment.  
“T-t-thank you” yelled Matt.

“Well don’t just stare at it, open it” Instructed Kelly unable to contain his curiosity as he glanced at the package. Matt began stripping away the brown paper to reveal a book.  
“Bears” gasped Matt. The front of the book had a vibrant photo of two bears in a forest, tentatively Matt began flipping through the book.  
“G-g-guess not you n me alone”  
“When are you going to learn Matt there’s lots of people who would do anything for you “ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Have a great day.


	22. Returning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt is taking a big step in his recovery but will it end in more pain?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it’s quite short but I hope you enjoy this chapter.

A few weeks had passed since Herrmann's party. Casey was making some progress, he had been socialising more, spending the odd night at Molly’s, visiting station fifty one and even attending a fundraiser for the CFD. But he was still exercising excessively, he had regained his healthy figure but Kelly was worried the blonde was pushing himself to hard in an attempt to bury his emotions. Luckily Casey was also speaking more as all his hard work in speech therapy had paid off, he still stuttered occasionally and skipped out the odd word particularly when he was tired, but he no longer felt embarrassed every time he opened his mouth. 

Kelly had started accompanying Matt on his runs when he wasn’t on shift, he was also carefully monitoring what the blonde was eating but so far Matt had been eating relatively healthy. Matt was doing really well but Kelly knew they’d reached a dead end, Matt wouldn’t improve any more until he went back to work, he needed a purpose.  
-

Matt stared at the doctor in disbelief, he felt like he was floating ; everything felt a million miles away. He closed his eyes for a second trying to comprehend the doctors words, the words he’d been waiting to hear for months.  
“Ar-re you sure?” Croaked Casey, it seemed to easy, something was bound to go wrong soon.  
“Yes Matt, I see no reason why you can’t return to duty”,  
“C-can I get that in w-writing? Kel won’t believe”   
“Don’t worry Matt I’ll talk to your chief too” explained the doctor, that was the last thing Matt heard the man say, he was too giddy with relief to pay attention to the world around him, finally he could get back to living his life.

Matt was sat on the sofa soaking in the warmth from the cup of coffee in his hand as he stared at the two men in front of him, after hearing Matt’s news Boden had come straight over to discuss his return to fifty one. Kelly was lingering by the kitchen counter and Boden was sat on the sofa contemplating when to open his mouth, they kept exchanging nervous looks. They were trying to work up the courage to tell Matt something, Casey was pretty sure he already knew what they were going to say but he enjoyed watching them squirm. Finally Boden began to speak but Matt cut him off.  
“Don’t wanna be c-captain or lieu-ten-ant yet” announced Casey, watching relief roll over the two men.  
“Wise decision Matt, taking it slow at first is the best thing to do” agreed Boden, grateful Matt made the choice to temporarily step down on his own, Boden had been petrified that if he suggested Matt step down temporarily he would have seen it as Boden not trusting him. Thankfully Matt understood that even though he was physically fit, he wasn’t quite ready to be a leader again. It wasn’t because of his stutter, Matt no longer required speech therapy , his speech was clear, he wouldn’t struggle giving commands. But being a captain meant a lot responsibility and paperwork, which would overwhelm the recovering firefighter. Boden missed having Matt as a leader at fifty one but he knew if he rushed Matt into returning to normal the poor firefighter could break and then he’d never come back.  
Kelly was watching Matt with surprise, Casey really had handled the last few months well, he’d accepted professional help and had followed all the doctor’s advice. Even though Matt was returning to work Kelly wasn’t foolish, he knew Matt was still in pain and his recovery wasn’t complete. As long as Matt continued attending therapy and didn’t push Kelly away he’d be alright. Kelly just hoped Matt wouldn’t go back to isolating himself from everyone and keeping secrets, the blonde wouldn’t survive another incident like this.  
-

Kelly parked his car in front of the station and turned to Matt examining the blondes appearance, his hair was short but thanks to his recent haircut both sides were even and the scar was barely noticeable, his face looked fuller and he was no longer as pale as a ghost but his blue eyes were still dull. Kelly feared the fire that used to burn inside Matt had been permanently extinguished.  
“Are you ready Matt?” Inquired Kelly, he already knew the answer but he wanted to see where Matt’s head was at.  
“Yeah” responded Matt in a steady voice , for the first time in a while he knew he was doing the right thing.  
“Miss Duncan though” Casey admittedly sheepishly.  
“Don’t worry Mrs Daley will spoil him rotten” assured Kelly as both men hopped out of the car and headed to the station.

Matt’s first shift went off with a bang, their first call was a car crash. When Hermann began shouting orders Matt felt strange like he was missing a part of him but by the second call (a window washer dangling off a building) Matt was enjoying just following orders, he felt lighter not having the responsibility of his crew crushing down on him. In between calls Matt kept to himself, Hermann tried to persuade Matt keep his office but the blonde was enjoying being just another a firefighter. During his free time he sat with his legs crossed on a bed in the middle of the bunk room flicking through the book Will had given him.  
-

Matt stepped out of the shower feeling refreshed and content when his eyes landed on his own reflection. He didn’t look broken anymore, he looked normal. It wasn’t fair, he was living his life as if Noah had never died. As he moved closer to the mirror parting his hair to view his scar he began reflecting on their last call , he saved a six year old girl. Why could he save her but not Noah? maybe if Hermann was in charge during Noah’s call he’d still be alive.   
Matt’s thoughts were screaming in his head, he felt anger and self hatred surge through him as he raised his fist to punch the mirror, but before his skin made contact with the glass his vision locked on the astronaut marking his left arm. Noah was dead, that wasn’t going to change but Matt could control his own future, wasting away his own life in grief would be a disservice to Noah, Matt had to keep fighting.  
“Everything alright Casey?” Asked Severide entering the bathroom.  
“It will be”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I thought it was time for Casey to return to fifty one but he still has a lot of demons to battle. But with his firefighter family by his side he’ll be ok.  
> Thanks for reading the story so far , have a good day.


	23. Remember

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The carpet is yanked out from underneath Matt’s feet once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the story so far. Sorry I’ve been posting less frequently but I should be back to posting every other day now . I briefly hit a brick wall, when I started writing this I had a clear idea of how this story was going to end but it was quite sad, the more I write the less a sad ending feels suitable. After everything Matt and Kelly have been through they deserve a happy ending I’m just trying to figure out how to get there, don’t worry I’ve got a plan now.
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story.

Two weeks passed by smoothly and Casey slipped happily back into his life at the fire station but he still felt a million years away from normal. He was different now, like he wasn’t really him anymore, the person staring back at him in the mirror was a stranger but surprising it didn’t bother him. Ke knew the old him was gone forever, he’d been loosing sight of who he was long before his mother died, but even though he was different he could still live a good life, he could still find happiness. But right now happiness was still out of his reach, he felt like there was something chasing him, fear, a dark painful uncertainty. Even after a good day at the firehouse or a long peaceful walk with Duncan he felt trapped, when he led down in bed at night a heavy weight pressed down on him. There were still days when leaving his bed felt impossible and he wanted to close himself off from the world but Duncan needed his daily walk, Matt was needed and not just by Duncan.

Eventually the darkness stalking him decided to attack, he knew peace wouldn’t last for long. Matt anxiously paced his office, his chest was on fire. He had been searching through his desk looking for a decent pen when he found a letter in his desk. The words marring the cream paper had stabbed at his heart, the memories flooding back caused the darkness to suffocate him. He could feel the opened envelope scalding his finger tips as he gingerly held onto it.The deafening sound of blood being pumped around his head drowned out the feeble knock at the door. He dropped the letter and watched as it drifted towards the floor, anxiously he began clenching and unclenching his hands as if he was trying to catch something that wasn’t there, the pain in his chest was unbearable and he threw his fist into the wall before sweeping all his belongings and paperwork off the desk, he didn’t stop there, he flipped over the bed, threw his chair into the wall narrowly missing the glass door.   
“Casey!” Someone yelled panicked trying to stop his mission of destruction but Matt didn’t care, he grabbed the letter off the floor , pushed past the person and headed out of the room looking desperately for an escape , he was almost free when Kelly blocked his path, all Matt’s anger evaporated and was replaced by a horrible feeling of guilt.  
“What’s going on Matt?” Asked Kelly eyes full of fear, Matt tried to keep walking but Kelly grasped his arms gently and held him still.  
“Casey you’re scaring me, what’s going on?” Questioned Kelly helplessly, Matt tried to shrug off Kelly’s grip but eventually accepted his defeat and looked at Kelly with eyes full of pain. 

Meanwhile Hermann was quietly ushering everyone who had been watching the scene intently into the common room, as soon as Casey stormed out of his office followed by a panicked looking Otis Hermann knew Matt was dangerously close to breaking.

“Matt?” Asked Kelly, his heart had been in his throat since he saw Casey rushing past the squad table.  
“She needed me” breathed Matt,  
“Who?”  
“She needed me and I wasn’t there” responded Matt ignoring Kelly’s question, his tone was even and calm as if he was talking about something normal like what to eat for dinner. Kelly felt uncomfortable and unnerved, he would have preferred it if Matt was crying or screaming in anger.  
“I can’t b-breathe, need to go” declared Matt squirming in his grasp.  
“Ok Matt, I’ll go tell Boden, can you wait here for one second?”  
“Kel” began Matt miserably, he needed out now.  
“Please Matt, just one second” promised Kelly releasing Matt and heading to the door the Chief was lingering behind, waiting just in case Kelly or Matt needed his help.  
“Chief I”  
“Go Kelly, it’s fine” assured Boden, Capp could cover for Severide and Hermann was still covering Casey anyway, even if Boden had stopped them from leaving they’d be no use to him right now.  
“Thank you chief” replied Kelly running towards Matt who was numbly swaying side to side as he stood waiting.

“Ok Matt so where are we going?” Kelly inquired gently as they walked further and further away from the station.  
“Don’t know, just wanted to breathe, felt s-sufocated”,  
“Ok” responded Kelly noticing the letter tightly grasped in his hands.  
“Can I see?”, Matt wordlessly passed Kelly the letter.  
“I don’t remember reading it” announced Matt looking off vaguely into the distance.  
“It was open in my draw so I must have read it before but I would have done something surely?” queried Matt his words devoid of emotion.  
“Casey you were in a bad place, your mind was scattered, you must have forgotten” responded Kelly lamely as his eyes skimmed over the letter. It was from one of Nancy’s friends Beth, they hadn’t known Matt’s number or address but they knew which fire station he worked at. Beth was begging for Matt’s help, his mother had developed a bad drinking habit and was spiralling out of control. She believed Matt was the only person who could help, Nancy had mentioned how Matt was angry at her and never appreciated what she did for him, Beth hoped if Matt gave her his forgiveness and appreciation she might accept help.  
“I just forgot, just forgot that my mother was drinking herself to death” muttered Matt glaring at his shoes.  
“You always knew how she died didn’t you?” Asked Matt evenly, suddenly he felt like such a fool.  
“Yes I did but I thought you knew too” lied Kelly, when Matt never brought up how his mother died he presumed it was because it was too painful, but deep down he had a feeling it was because Matt had forgotten, his mind was protecting him.  
“She crashed her car while drunk because of the drinking problem I never helped her recover from”,  
“Matt there’s nothing you could have done”.  
“Stop lying Kelly, the letter was addressed ten days before her death. If I had been there, if I listened to the letter maybe she’d be alive”.  
“Maybe Matt, life is too short to focus on maybes”,  
“It’s a pretty big maybe, I killed dad and now her too”.  
“Matt it wasn’t your fault, besides dwelling on it won’t change anything, focus on living your life to make them proud, focus on being happy” urged Kelly. Matt paused in his stride and brushed his hair out of his face.  
“I didn’t see Heather’s drinking problem either, her boys almost lost their mother” reminded Casey feeling like a humongous failure.  
“Oh Matt you can’t take responsibility for everyone’s actions”

After their discussion Matt had barely uttered a word. That evening when Matt was settled on the sofa with Duncan Kelly texted Boden to tell him they were ok. As he put the phone down and picked up the sinister letter, Beth’s letter made it sound like Matt had abandoned his mother and that he had blamed Nancy for something she hadn’t done, it wasn’t Beths fault she was just trying to help a friend but Kelly was furious that there was no way of escaping Matt’s manipulative mother. It seemed like every time Matt was making progress they were pushed off a cliff. Kelly wished he had known about the letter, he would have disposed of it, somethings are better off forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading the story so far, I know this chapter was sad but it will get happier.  
> Have a great day ; )


	24. Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The letter was just another bump in Matt’s road to recovery but maybe the next stage of Matt’s journey will be less lonely and frightening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter, sorry it’s short.

Kelly and Matt quietly headed home after a hectic shift, a few days had passed since Matt discovered the letter, Kelly was worried about his friend but he was also weirdly relieved. Matt had been extremely down but unlike previous times Matt hadn’t attempted to hide his sadness from Kelly or suppress his feelings. After Casey read the sinister letter from his mother’s friend they’d spent the night talking, Matt had woken up after a nightmare and had insisted on walking Duncan. So at two in the morning Kelly and Matt ventured out into the cold air, despite the dark streets and harsh weather Matt had felt more comfortable than he had in a very long time, the cool air made him feel alive and the lack of light gave him a sense of privacy (it was like nothing else existed), after walking silently for half an hour Matt had suddenly felt words tumbling out of his mouth, he released every single thought that had been whizzing through his head. Matt had even confessed about his conflicted memories of the last time he’d ever seen his mother, Matt told Kelly how desperately he’d been trying to cling onto the hallucination of his mum telling him that she loved him. Despite Matt’s candour Kelly was still concerned about the blonde, a frown was constantly tugging at the corners of his mouth, there was a deep pain in his eyes and his voice always sounded distant and heavy with tiredness.But Kelly had a plan, something to hopefully cheer the other man up ; he hoped to God it worked.

As Kelly entered their warm apartment he pulled out his phone, when he read his most recent message he was pleased to see his plan was in motion, he hid his grin as Matt appeared with Duncan walking right beside him. Duncan spent the days they were on shift being spoilt by their neighbour Mrs Daley but Kelly was positive Matt would always be Duncan’s favourite person in the world.  
“Hey Matt, go freshen up quickly we’ve got somewhere to go” instructed Kelly with a smile,  
“W-what? Where?” Asked Matt confused, he tried desperately to rack his brain to see if he’d forgotten something but he was sure Kelly hadn’t mentioned anything about going out recently.  
“It’s a surprise , now go we don’t have much time” stated Kelly waving his hand.  
Matt stared at his friend for a second before complying, he knew better than to disagree with Kelly when he man had a plan all set out.  
When Matt returned in a fresh set of clothes there were two packed bags by Kelly’s feet, he thought he was missing a few items from his bedroom.  
“Let’s go, they’ll be waiting” explained Kelly picking up one of the bags.  
“Wait what about Duncan? And therapy?” Exclaimed Matt, his last question was uttered quietly, he may have been attending therapy willingly but that didn’t mean he was genuinely upset about missing it (Matt was just concerned if he missed it Dr Walker would be annoyed).  
“Dr Walker approved, he thought this was a good idea. Also Duncan’s coming with, he packed his own bag and everything” laughed Kelly pointing to a carrier bag Matt hadn’t noticed before, he could see Duncan’s favourite toy a stuffed crocodile peeking out of it.   
“Huh I’m not getting out of this am I?”  
“Nope” responded Kelly popping the p, he then eagerly led Matt out of the apartment.  
As they reached the street Matt spotted a familiar car,  
“What took you so long?” Called Herman who was leaning up against Boden’s car.  
“He was being stubborn” Kelly responded throwing his and Matt’s duffel bags into the boot.   
“What’s going on?”questioned Matt as Herrmann steered the blonde into the back seat.  
“I’ll explain on the way” yelled Kelly jumping into the car and attaching a lead to Duncan’s collar that plugged in like a seat belt. Once they were all ready Boden wasted no time in getting the car moving.  
“We’re going fishing. My friend has a cabin by a lake, I told him he could have my cabin for the weekend if we could use his for today and tomorrow” Kelly explained.  
“What’s wrong with your cabin?” Inquired Matt,  
“Nothing I just thought it’d be nice to go somewhere different for a change” lied Kelly, the whole point of this trip was to clear Matt’s head, Kelly didn’t think the place where Matt scattered his mother’s ashes would be the right place to do that.  
“It’s nice and close too it should only take two hours to get there, it’s going to be fun” added Kelly.  
“Ok but what about your families? Surely they want you home on your two days off shift” asked Matt.  
“Casey you’re our family too” stated boden with heavy heart, Matt never understood how much he meant to others. Boden sadly understood that it was due to the fact his own parents had made him feel like burden, Boden didn’t know if Matt’s parents really loved him but he knew even if they did they never showed it.   
“Yeah and Cindy’s sister is visiting, I’d much prefer fishing” reasoned Herrmann.  
“Thought you hated fishing, you’ve got the patience of a gold fish” replied Matt,  
“Do not” groaned the older man.  
“What about that time I waited for that graffiti artist” pointed out Herrmann growing agitated,  
“That’s different, you were angry. You’d count every single grain in a bag of rice if it proved a point” cut in Kelly.  
“That is not true, come on chief you know their wrong” stated Herrmann turning towards his friend who was trying to stifle a chuckle.  
“They have a point” confessed Boden, all three men laughed as Herrmann groaned in annoyance.

The drive was lighthearted and comfortingly, as Matt listened contently to the others he realised he was wrong about something. He always thought Christie was the only family he had left and he was never good enough for her, she left Matt to have a chance at a happier life. However as he scratched behind Duncan’s ears he realised his family was in the car with him laughing and playfully bickering, his family would always be fifty one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	25. Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As sleep fails to claim Matt he gives in to the call of the great outdoors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this story and thanks for your kind support.  
> This wasn’t my original ending but as I was writing this chapter I realised it felt like the right place to end this story.  
> However I still have a few things I wanted to add but never managed to, therefore I hope to make this a series and add short one shots relating to the story in the future.  
> Thank you again for reading.

The room was completely dark except for the glowing number twelve displayed on the alarm clock beside the bed. Matt tossed and turned feeling wide awake, despite the busy day he had his brain showed no sign of switching off. Sighing in defeat Matt sat up in his bed and looked towards Duncan who was curled up by his feet. Being unable to sleep wasn’t something Matt was unfamiliar with but for once it wasn’t fear or sadness keeping Matt awake, it was happiness. He felt ecstatic and he was filled with too much optimism and excitement to drift off into the land of sleep. How could he stay inside and sleep when outside the cabin a vibrant spectacular world awaited him? Matt longed to look up at the sky and gaze at the stars, he wanted to hear the sounds of the wind rustling through the trees and mysterious animals roaming through the night. The blonde felt as if the sky was calling him and it was becoming harder and harder to resist the pull of the great outdoors. He slipped from underneath the warm covers shivering slightly as his feet hit the cold floor, he quietly pulled on his shoes and a jacket trying his best not to disturb the other men in the cabin.

Matt quietly crept past the rooms containing Boden and Herrmann, after everything they’d done for him the last thing he wanted to do was interrupt their sleep. Thanks to them Matt felt lighter, it was as if some of the pain he’d been carrying around had been lifted off of him. Matt still wasn’t healed yet but after the peaceful day he had spent with the three men Matt knew he couldn’t give up on his recovery. Fishing had filled Matt with tranquility as he listened to the older men’s stories, he knew they would support him every step of the way. Despite all the pain he had felt over the past year Matt could now see that life was worth fighting for. Unfortunately Matt couldn’t save Hallie, Andy, his mum or Noah but he could save himself.

Kelly scrubbed tiredly at his eyes, he’d been jolted out of his deep sleep by the sound of someone padding towards the door, as he adjusted himself into a sitting position he was unsurprised to see Matt walking across the room with Duncan hot on his heels. Kelly had volunteered to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room knowing Matt tended to walk around at night if he was feeling stressed or if he was in an unfamiliar place. Kelly remained silent as he watched the blonde carefully, so far Matt seemed unaware of the eyes examining him carefully. Unlike the other times Kelly found Matt wandering around late at night the blondes posture was relaxed and his movements were slow and steady, he wasn’t frantic or clumsy like he had been in the past. When Matt proceeded to leave the cozy cabin Kelly stumbled to his feet, he pulled on a thick hoodie and headed after Casey. He paused for a second leaving his hand hovering over the door handle as he peered out of the doors small window, Matt had walked a few feet away from the cabin before stopping and staring at the floor as if he was searching for something. Kelly watched in amusement as Matt nodded softly to himself before lying down on the floor, Duncan wasted no time in accompanying Matt and snuggling into the man’s side. Kelly smiled to himself before pushing the door open and silently approaching Matt. As Kelly got closer he could hear Matt softly talking.  
“I wish I could remember the name of the stars so I could tell you all about them Duncan” stated Matt wistfully. He remembered the nights he spent outside with Hallie, she’d beam brightly at Matt as he talked about the stars. He didn’t know much about outer space but he’d been an expert on astrology since he was little but now his knowledge of the stars was just another thing his brain injury had stolen from him. However Matt wasn’t annoyed, in fact the longer he stared up at the sky the less he began to care about his memory loss, he didn’t need to know the names of the constellations admiring their beauty was enough. 

As Matt looked off into the distance with a look of contentment Kelly joined Matt on the floor, Duncan was comfortably sandwiched between them and Kelly’s head was turned so he was looking directly at Casey instead of the night sky.

The bright lights illuminating the darkness had always given Matt comfort. To feel safe Matt used to go to Christie’s room when their parents argued late at night ; When she Christie started shutting Matt out of her life he began climbing out of his bedroom window instead,He would lay down in the middle of the garden for hours with his eyes fixed on the starry sky, it made him feel like he was the only person in the universe. 

His habit of going outside and gazing at the stars during turbulent times followed him into adulthood. One night after a particularly rough call he left the apartment he shared with Kelly and Andy and headed to a nearby park, he found a spot on the grass with a perfect view of the sky and he laid down much like he was now. But instead of Kelly finding him it had been Andy. Unbeknownst to Matt his friend had heard him leave the apartment and had quietly followed him to the park. Wordlessly he had plopped down next to Matt and joined the blonde in staring at the sky. But the silence didn’t last for long, Andy had always been a chatterbox and could never go longer than ten minutes without uttering a single word.  
“Looking up at the stars always makes me feel better too” Andy had admitted before continuing in a gentle tone.  
“After my Grandad died my mum told me that if I was ever lonely at night all I had to do was look up at the sky and know that Grandad was up there watching me carefully, keeping the darkness at bay”.

Now as Matt gazed up at the sky a small smile graced his lips as he contemplated if Andy and everyone else he loved was looking down on him, a bitter sweet happiness swirled in his chest as he wondered if maybe Noah had finally made into space after all.  
“Every time someone we love dies the sky get a new star, so on long nights when we miss them we can look up at the sky and know they’re there watching over us” Matt announced remembering what Andy said that night he found him in the park. It was the first time he realised he wasn’t alone anymore, he had Andy and Kelly, he had a family. Kelly felt a warm glow in chest after Matt spoke, he had instantly recognised Andy’s wise words, it was moments like this that reminded Kelly that Andy would never be truly gone. 

“Thank you Kelly” whispered Matt acknowledging Kelly’s presence for the first time.  
“What for?” Asked Kelly confused by the vague statement.  
“Never giving up on me” stated Matt earnestly.  
Wordlessly Kelly reached out and touched Matts hand that was tangled in Duncan’s fur. The blonde tore his bright blue eyes away from the sky and turned to look at Kelly. Severide felt elated at the look of peacefulness on Matt’s face that he had been desperate to see for the past year, there had been times when Kelly had thought he’d never see Matt smile again.  
“I’ll never give up on you Matt, you’re my little brother” replied Kelly his voice raw with emotion. The sound of Matt’s soft breathing danced around the air comforting Kelly, his best friend was alive and they bot had a bright future awaiting them. No matter what life threw at them next they would always stand by each other.   
Matt’s smile shone brighter than the stars in the sky. As they laid there together on the floor Matt felt invincible. He didn’t know what the future held for him but he was no longer afraid of the road ahead of him. When the darkness came for him again he’d be ready to fight back because if the past year has proven anything it was that he was a fighter and he had an army of people behind him. He was no longer the loneliest boy in the world he was part of a big caring family that would protect and love him until the day he died, Matt had a place in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you’re all well, thank you for reading.  
> Any criticism welcome, thanks again for the kind comments.
> 
> Is there anything I left unfinished in this story or something you wish I included that I could include in future one shots?
> 
> Have a great day!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for giving it a go. Sorry for the mistakes. Criticism welcome please have a good day.


End file.
